Michelle's Madness

I got the most recent Lillian Vernon catalog the other day, and the first section is all the Christmas crap. (Um, isn’t it only the beginning of OCTOBER?). So I was flipping through it at work, when I came across a few gems that are a bit disturbing and must be mentioned.

Let’s start with these beauties. “Santa’s pants treat holders”. That just sounds wrong on so many levels. And let’s take a look at these things. They are Santa’s pants, with suspenders and you use them to put candy and whatnot in them. IN Santa’s pants. And where is Santa while this is all going on? If his pants are here, filled with candy, does that mean there is a pantless Santa running around somewhere? And what is he doing while he's pantless? Do we really need to give our kids candy that comes from Santa’s pants? Isn’t it scary enough that legions of parents dress their children in their finest and schlep them to the malls of America each year to wait in super long lines for their turn to sit on some strange “Santa’s” lap? And then they do their best to get junior to stop screaming and smile at the camera in order to commemorate their time with the weirdo in costume, which is probably traumatic for a lot of kids as it is. Aren’t we giving mixed messages? We tell them, “Don’t talk to strangers!” and then we lead them to believe this person isn’t a stranger because he’s “Santa”. Oh good, so all someone has to do is dress like Santa and your kid will go anywhere with him because “he’s not a stranger”. Not to mention we tell our kids not to take candy from strangers, yet we take them trick or treating every year to get what? Candy from strangers. The irony is never lost on me come Halloween.

But I digress…

The second disturbing offering is this set of “Santa’s clothes magnets", which consists of 2 hats, 2 mittens, and 2 coats. Of course we know that the pants are already off somewhere else, filled with candy. So now pantless Santa has turned into naked Santa, which, again, is wrong on so many levels. What’s next, a Christmas special based on “Girls Gone Wild”, called “Santa Gone Wild”? Is he trying to break into show biz? Why can’t Santa remain dignified and wear clothing?

Finally, here is a product that just seems wrong to me. “Snowman bathroom set”. The toilet lid cover is the snowman’s head, and the contoured rug that goes in front of the toilet is the snowman’s body. So you lift up the head to go to the bathroom, and it almost looks like you’re taking a dump inside Frosty’s neck. Yeah, let Frosty know what you really think of him!

Obviously these items will not be gracing my home this holiday season.