Michelle's Madness

Have you ever just been weary with life? Not depressed, just weary. Like, I’m weary of getting up, every single day, showering, shaving and doing my hair every single day. Weary of driving to and from work, every single day. Weary of making dinner, every single day. Lather, rinse, repeat. Every single day. It just feels tedious.

Maybe part of it is because I’ve been not liking my job lately. I hate the phones, hate them hate them hate them, and I don’t want to talk to people. Maybe part of it is my super early shift that’s got me so darn tired all the time. Maybe part of it is that I’m totally stuck in a rut when it comes to making dinner. It’s basically been narrowed down to 4 or 5 things that I know the boys will eat, so we have those every week. I need to make more chicken dishes and make them deal with it. I just feel so bad when they don’t end up eating much and I know they’re hungry. I know I can’t force them to eat what they don’t want, so I end up making something I know they’ll like.

My bright spot, that isn't tedious, is coming home every day and spending time wtih my family. Plus, next week Brian and I go on our anniversary trip and I’m so excited. I’m just trudging through the days until I get to the fun stuff. Actually, I do that Monday through Friday, until I get to the weekend, so I can live my personal life and be with my loved ones. Trudging through the days is no way to live. I need to find a way to make peace with my job and with my daily routine. Maybe then the tedium will disappear.

There is simply too much going on with life right now. First of all, we found out that the owner of our house is selling it (got a nice big “for sale” sign in our lawn to prove it) and we have to move around the beginning of September. Fuck. I don’t want to move. Do you know how much crap we have that we now need to pack? Not to mention making the house look presentable, and not embarrassingly cluttered, whenever someone wants to do a walk through. And praying nobody steals our shit while on said walk through. On the plus side, the house we are moving to is close by and is bigger, supposedly nicer and has a custom kitchen. Why only supposedly nicer? Because we can’t see the inside until the end of August, when the current tenants move out. So we have no idea what the inside looks like or what the layout is. That is driving me nuts because we can’t plan out in our heads where our stuff is going to fit. I mean, how big are the bedrooms? How big are the living and family rooms? Plus we have no idea how much storage space, closet space, or cabinet and counter space there is. I did have a dream last night that we snuck into the house to check out the layout while the current tenants were gone. I wasn’t impressed. I’m sure the layout looks nothing like in my dream though. It was a pretty strange layout. At least the new house will be the same rent. It would be nice though if the property manager paid for our moving truck, since this isn’t exactly a move we’ve planned or saved for, but that will never happen.

Right around the same time as the move, soccer starts for Jacob. Of course I have no idea when his games or practices are, let alone where they are. I won’t find that out until the end of August (see a theme here?). Plus I’m supposed to start school at, you guessed it, the end of August, but the thought of doing it now makes me want to hyperventilate. There’s just too much going on.

To make matters worse, work wants me to start the 4:50 shift on Monday. That’s 4:50 AM for those of you not in the know. Yes, as in oh-dark-fifty. Fuckadoodledoo. As if I’m not already a walking zombie from doing the 5:50 shift.

On top of all that, pretty much all of our weekends in August are booked with some activity or another. Brian is going to be taking some days off the week before we move to do a lot of the packing, but I don’t want to leave it all up to him. It’s too early to pack right now, but I feel anxious because I’m not doing anything. I guess I can start packing up stuff we really don’t need out, like yearbooks. Though I’d rather just burn those and dispose of the ashes. That will be one less thing to move and I fucking hate them anyway. I suppose I can start weeding out stuff that we don’t want anymore, but I don’t think I’m organized enough or have the energy to do a yard sale. Being at work makes me feel all stressed because I have tons of things to do at home but can’t do them. Then when I’m at home I want to avoid all the stuff I need to do. And the cycle continues. Also, the quantity of coffee consumed this morning probably has something to do with my antsy feeling.

Calgon, take me away! I know that's so cliche. Maybe it should be "Ativan, take me away!" or "Rum and coke, take me away!". How about "Big fucking rubber mallet, take me away!"? Yeah, that sounds good.

I've had some serious writer's block. I can't think of anything good to blog about. I just don't want to rant constantly; I'd like to have nice things to say, but either way I just can't think of anything worth more than a few sentences or so. Sigh.

Maybe it's my new meds. I think they have definitely put me in a different frame of mind and I don't always feel up to stretching out my thoughts into something interesting. So forgive me, my very few readers. I shall return with something interesting to say, I promise.

When did I get old? Okay, so I’m not really old, I’m only 31, but sometimes I feel old, like when I’m skimming through a People or an Us magazine. I look at the stories, the scandals and the fashion and I wonder, “Who the hell is this person?” Seriously, who is Ashley Tisdale? I have no idea who Shenae Grimes and Taylor Momsen are. And Adrian Grenier? No clue who he is, but he’s fuck ugly. I read these names and see their pictures and just wonder why anyone gives a damn.

As I try to figure out what these random people could possibly be famous for I am reminded of the stereotype of parents hating their kids’ music and the phrase “If it’s too loud, you’re too old” or something of that nature. And I wonder, “Am I a real-life grown up now?” Well, maybe I am, but I still love Green Day, dammit!

How in the world can people enjoy being spun? Seriously. My stupid medications (legal prescription ones, in case you are wondering) are making me feel all spun and woohoo and shit and it sucks. I feel all weird and restless and crawly. Blah! I can’t think straight and just existing is difficult. And I’m not freakin’ productive at all. So there’s no way I’m going to get a block of wood and whittle it down to a baseball bat or organize a collection of dust bunnies or try to build an ark out of Legos. And I won’t be deciding anytime soon that my washing machine looks better on the front lawn, or that my house should have cat ears on the roof.

I miss reading. I have always loved to read, but now I either lack the time or the attention span. When I do have the time, I never know what to read because I never have time to search for books, either to buy or to get from the library.

How could I lose touch with this simple pleasure? I learned to read super early, like when I was 2. I don’t remember a time in my life when I could not read. In fact, I can’t remember an adult reading to me at all because once I learned to read it was basically just left to me to entertain myself with books. No stories read to me before bed, at least not that I can remember. I also skipped part of kindergarten because of my literacy. Apparently I was running around and doing somersaults during class and I was labeled as a discipline problem (nowadays, I’d be labeled ADHD and force-fed drugs). Finally my parents asked what we were learning and the teacher informed them, “We are learning the alphabet, one letter per week. We are up to R”, or some such nonsense. They told the teacher to give me a book. It turns out I was bored and already reading at a fourth grade level. In junior high, I would constantly get in trouble (in Language Arts class, no less) for reading my own books and not paying attention to the lessons. The difference between there, their and they’re… okay, check, got it, now leave me alone. In high school, when the class was taking turns reading a book aloud, I would get bored while some people struggled and I would read ahead. Then when it was my turn, I would be so far ahead that I had no clue where the rest of the class left off and I would get in trouble for not paying attention. I always hated when they would have us take turns reading aloud; I would get bored, and I prefer to read at my own pace. That’s not to say that I’m any better than the people who struggled; it’s just something I excelled at and didn’t need the extra assistance that some students required. Some people in my classes would talk about how uncool reading was; I’d just ignore them, book in hand. Reading was an escape. It was an adventure and way to stimulate my brain.

Even when I was out of school, I was always reading. I’ve always liked suspenseful books, but I’m not married to one particular genre. In fact, when asked what kind of books I prefer, I really can’t answer that question. One of my favorite books is “Icebound” by Dr. Jerri Nielsen, which is her account of the year she spent “wintering over” in the South Pole, where she discovered she had breast cancer. I also loved “I’m Eve”, about one woman’s multiple personality disorder, which is the basis for the movie “The Three Faces of Eve”. Another good one is “The Nanny Diaries”, which isn’t actually a true story, but is fiction based on the real-life experiences of two former New York nannies. But I wouldn’t say that I love the entire genre of memoirs, because there are some that are booooooring. “An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness” for instance, was pretty lame and repetitive. Since it’s a memoir of a bipolar woman (who also happens to be a psychiatrist) I thought I would be able to relate to it better, but it was a letdown in the same sense as “The Blair Witch Project”; it would build and build and there would be suspense and then… nothing. Totally anticlimactic.

Besides some memoirs and some suspense books, I also like the “chick lit” genre: some drama, humor and romance, but not over the top like a Harlequin Romance novel. These are fun “no-brainer” reads that are great for reading on vacation or a sick day. But I certainly don’t want to make that the staple of my reading material. I just don’t always have the attention span or brain power to process a heavy book like I used to, mostly from just having way too much on my plate on a daily basis, which is compounded by my unholy weekday waking hour. So when I go to the bookstore or the library, I generally have no clue where to even begin looking. Some books sound decent, but I always want to be really sure so I don’t waste my time on something that turns out to be lame. Of course, how will I know unless I try? I think the wanting to be absolutely sure about a book before committing is a throwback from hours spent standing in Barnes & Noble, trying to narrow down my choices and get the best options for my money; otherwise I would have always ended up spending a small fortune on books because there are so many that are interesting.

So, I need to get reading on a regular basis back into my life. Seriously. I need to make use of websites such as What Should I Read Next and reacquaint myself with the library. Intellectually I know that just because someone doesn’t read much it doesn’t mean they are dumb. But because reading was always such a big part of my life, I personally feel somewhat dumber for not reading books more often like I used to. Most days all my poor brain can handle is an article from Glamour or Reader’s Digest. Sometimes I can barely read that because of all the interruptions (my boys talk constantly during movies so about every other sentence I read is interrupted with chatter by a little person who expects some sort of response to a rhetorical statement). And I go to bed early (due to the aforementioned unholy waking hour) so I can’t spend a lot of time with a book in the evenings before bed, though I really ought to try.

Today I have started a new book called “Holy Cow: An Indian Adventure”, given to me by a friend at work (thanks Brook!). It is also a memoir, and though I’m only a couple of chapters in, I really like it so far. And I’m feeling inspired to find a book to read next. So, what should I read next?

...that when I finally have a day to myself, I end up just doing nothing? I have tons of stuff to do around the house, but of course I don't want to spend my day doing chores. But there are many projects and hobby-type stuff that I would like to do, and I dream about doing but never have time for, and then when I have time I just want to sit on my ass and do nothing.

Ah, the plight of the working mom.

The boys are at Camp Gramma's and Brian went to a friend's house last night to stay and watch the game today (his friend lives an hour away). So I've been alone since about 5 PM yesterday evening. I had all these things planned to do while I was alone: work on some play lists for my Zune, pick some pictures to have printed at Longs, do laundry, clean the kitchen, make some stuff for lunches this week and some chicken for salads, watch a movie, work out. Yeah, so much for plans. I loaded the dishwasher and threw in some laundry. I forced myself to work out this morning because I really need to get back on track after being sick. I am not at 100% yet, which was quickly realized when I was trying to do crunches and could barely manage 10 because I'm still so tired. I suppose I should really work on the food for the week. What I actually got done: watched a bunch of episodes of Untold Stories of the E.R. on TLC, plus a couple of movies, played on the computer for a while, and took a nice long nap. Hey, who the hell wants to actually do something when the kids are away and you have quiet time to yourself???

1. I was born to be a mom to boys.

2. My husband is the only person on the planet who really, truly gets me.

3. I sing in the car but not in the shower.

4. I could eat Mexican food every day.

5. I hate clowns. They don’t scare me, they piss me off. Suck it clowns!

6. I get obsessed over new projects and ideas, then quickly forget about them and move on to something new.

7. Obviously, this means I never complete anything.

8. Too much garlic? No such thing!

9. I am the type of person who drops stuff on every available horizontal surface.

10. This means my house gets very cluttered, and my desk (both at home and at work) is an abyss.

11. Sarcasm is my second language.

12. I’ve never smoked a cigarette. Ever.

13. I can’t stand wearing bras and pantyhose.

14. Hence I never wear pantyhose. Unfortunately, bras are a requirement, unless I’m lounging at home.

15. I used to have my belly pierced, but I had to take it out with my first pregnancy and it closed up : (

16. I tend to have a potty mouth. I could make a trucker blush.

17. I am wired as a night owl, but I’m a morning lark out of necessity.

18. But I am not very lark-like in the mornings. In fact, I can be downright grouchy.

19. I love to bake.

20. I’ve had my cat, Rocket, since 1995. I got him when he was 8 weeks old.

21. My favorite color is purple.

22. It really does only take 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

23. I wish I could take a nap every day.

24. My first car was a 1968 4-door Ford Galaxie 500, aka “The Tank”.

25. Oh, the crazy (dangerous) things my friends and I did in that car.

26. I am totally, utterly, hopelessly addicted to Target.

27. I would rather scrub toilets than sweep and mop the floors.

28. I am a serious procrastinator, and I’m good at it.

29. Friday nights in my house are pizza and movie night.

30. For some reason, I seem to be completely incapable of planning an actual dinner for Saturday nights. I don’t want to do a typical baked chicken “weeknight” dinner, because it feels like weekend dinner should be more “fun”, but after Friday night’s fun dinner, I don’t want to feed everyone crap, so I just mentally block planning anything at all.

31. I want to visit England someday.

32. I could never be a vegetarian because I love steak and cheeseburgers too much.

33. Oh yeah, and I’m a veggie-phobe.

34. My husband barbecues the best tri tip ever.

35. He also knows his way around the kitchen pretty well.

36. I’ve very lucky to be married to him, for many reasons other than his cooking.

37. My hair is thick, wavy and evil, and usually ends up in a ponytail.

38. My favorite thing for breakfast is cereal.

39. However, leftover enchiladas also make a damn fine breakfast.

40. On the rare occasions I drink, I am a rum and coke girl. Though I do sometimes have beer or one of those fun flavored malt drinks.

41. For the most part though I just drink water.

42. I have a dirty mind.

43. I tend to laugh at completely inappropriate things. Most people do not understand this, so naturally I get many weird looks.

44. My husband calls me “Lady Leadfoot”. Apparently I drive too fast. But I’ve gotten much better about slowing down as I’ve gotten older.

45. Oh yeah, and because I don’t want to get another speeding ticket. Those suck.

46. I like to make beaded jewelry, but I never have room in the budget for new beads and supplies.

47. I love love love camping.

48. I always think of really good comebacks long after the moment has passed.

49. I tend to stew over things for too long.

50. I hiked to Half Dome in Yosemite when I was 5.

51. That’s about a 15 mile round trip.

52. I did have a little bit of help from my dad and my uncle, but I did most of it on my own.

53. However, I did not go to the top of Half Dome because by the time we got to the base, I was way too tired to deal with the cables.

54. I will hike Half Dome again someday, and I will make it to the top.

55. Most people just don’t seem to get me.

56. I hate raisins in my baked goods. Raisins do not belong in cookies, cakes, cinnamon rolls, or, well, anything other than trail mix.

57. I’m a homebody and would be perfectly happy hanging out at home most days.

58. I love to watch movies, mostly comedy and action.

59. The majority of chick flicks bore the crap out of me.

60. Spring and fall are my favorite seasons.

61. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

62. I don’t like crumbs in the butter.

63. I also don’t like hair on the soap.

64. I sometimes think inappropriate thoughts, very strange things that just pop into my head that tend to be so weird and random that I can’t share them with others.

65. I feel I could do very well as a co-writer for “Family Guy” because of this weirdness.

66. I do not agree with Hollywood and the fashion industry that size 0 and size 00 are the beauty “ideal”. Give those girls a cheeseburger. Give me one too while you’re at it.

67. I like chocolate, but I wouldn’t kill somebody for it.

68. Nothing will make me stop listening faster than someone trying to cram their religious beliefs down my throat.

69. Ditto for political views and parenting advice.

70. I have great attention to detail when it comes to work projects, yet manage to find myself wandering away from half finished chores and projects at home and starting up a new task. I generally have 3 or 4 half finished projects strewn about the house at any given time.

71. I usually hit the snooze button on the alarm clock 3 or 4 times before getting up.

72. I can’t dance my way out of a paper bag.

73. Work has turned me into a caffeine addict.

74. I am not good at keeping fish alive.

75. I can’t stand fake nails and I refuse to get them.

76. My husband and I eloped. Best decision ever.

77. I will not get my hair colored or highlighted because I like the color of my hair. Also I would not do the upkeep.

78. I keep a pad of paper and a pen in my nightstand for the nights that I can’t fall asleep because I’m thinking of all the things I need to do the next day. This way I can write those things down so I don’t forget them in the morning, and I don’t have to get out of bed to do it.

79. I am not what you would call a “people person”. I try to be friendly as much as possible, but generally, people annoy the crap out of me, and sometimes (okay, a lot of times) I have a hard time hiding that.

80. Obviously I will not be running for office anytime soon.

81. I used to be a veterinary technician.

82. I do not faint or get queasy at the sight of blood, even my own.

83. Disgusting conversations at the dinner table do not gross me out, which is handy in a house full of boys. Any topic is fair game.

84. I do everything online if possible, and use the phone as a last resort. And I’m talking about stuff for life in general, not porn.

85. I seriously dislike the phone, and I will ignore it if I don’t feel like talking. I also try to avoid making calls as much as possible.

86. I can’t drive a stick

87. Well, I could drive one enough to get someone to the hospital if needed, but in everyday traffic, I’d turn into a lunatic just trying to deal with the logistics of it.

88. I haven’t ridden a bike in years.

89. The term “hook up”, as in having sex, really annoys me. I hate to hear or read, “While we were hooking up…” Seriously, be a grown up and just say “having sex” or “fucking” or “screwing” or “getting busy” or simply “doing it”.

90. I really don’t care about getting flowers and chocolates for Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day, or ever really. I’m more practical than that.

91. I also don’t like getting bath stuff. I never end up using it and it just sits and collects dust.

92. I asked for a Swiss Army knife for Mother’s Day. I got it. And I use it.

93. My favorite ice cream is Ben and Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch.

94. English toffee is my favorite candy.

95. My favorite TV shows are Criminal Minds, Bones, Eureka, CSI, Cold Case, That 70’s Show, and Family Guy.

96. I have the same birthday as my dad, April 18. Different year obviously.

97. I don’t see what’s so great about Starbucks (aka Whorebucks). I try not to give them any of my money.

98. I also really don’t see why celebrities are so fascinating. I mean, who really gives a crap if they dress like a schlub and go downtown to visit Whorebucks?

99. Sometimes eating the tube of cookie dough is better than actually baking it.

100. I am a work in progress.

I can’t believe it’s November 20 already. Where in the world has the time gone? Halloween seems like it was just yesterday, yet at the same time it feels like it was so long ago. In October we get geared up all month long for Halloween, with the decorating and getting costumes for the kids, buying candy, trips to the pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving. Then November 1 comes and Halloween is quickly put out of mind, for the most part. Of course there is still a mountain of candy to pilfer from the kids as a reminder of the Halloween festivities. But Thanksgiving preparations quickly ensue, and with that comes a little nagging voice in the back of my brain reminding me that Christmas is rapidly approaching as well and it’s time to start some shopping. I am simultaneously planning to have turkey day for 12 at my house, and planning Logan’s birthday party, because his party will be on December 7 and I needed to make sure to get the invitations out early because December is so busy for everyone. Not to mention I need to begin the aforementioned Christmas shopping.

Naturally, there are many things I need to get done in the next week:

1. Clean my freakin’ house. Especially the abysmal expanse of counter top and my desk, both of which are covered in papers and junk. I keep waiting for a black hole to open up on my counter and just suck the entire contents of my house into it. Reminds me of Poltergeist, though I’m pretty sure our house isn’t built on ancient Indian burial ground. I hope.

2. Finish my grocery list and make sure I have everything I need. You know, just enough wine to keep the guests relaxed and happy, but not so much that anyone gets rowdy.

3. Next week I have to make several pies. I was only going to make 2 pies when there was only supposed to be 7 people, but the addition of 5 more guests makes me wonder if that will be enough. The guest list includes 4 teenage boys. FOUR. So there needs to be plenty o’ food to keep them from rioting. And I’m thinking that will have to include 3 pies. I don’t want people stabbing each other with forks over the last piece of pie.

4. Pick up my big ass bird (20 pounds) on Wednesday, because I simply do not have space in my fridge to defrost that sucker for a week.

5. I should probably dust off the china that’s been sitting undisturbed since last Thanksgiving. But if I don’t get around to that, everyone can just eat my dust. HA! Get it?

Now that doesn’t seem like a huge list of things to do, but you haven’t seen my counter and my desk. Scary. Now here is what I have been doing to procrastinate:

1. Surfing the web. There is certainly no shortage of sites to aid me in pissing away my time. Damn you Facebook! It’s not like I need more flair; I have a ton. But it’s just so. damn. addictive.

2. Downloading music. There are tons of songs I would love to download, so I spend my time either actually downloading them or trying to remember what songs I want. Either way, great time waster. And I’ve certainly enjoyed my new tunes on my daily commute.

3. Updating my Amazon wish list, and the one for the boys. I love Amazon! It’s like window shopping without having to go to the mall and fight my way through the masses of self-centered asshole teenagers*. By the time I leave, I feel like a salmon that’s fought it’s way upstream to spawn. Without the actual spawning part. Which is why I haven’t been to the mall in years. Seriously. It’s much more enjoyable to shop in my jammas!

4. Uploading pictures to Flickr to share with family and friends (are you seeing a theme here?)

5. Reading. Book, magazine, whatever. Just as long as I don’t have to think too hard, or do anything.

6. Watching the crap we’ve Tivo’d. I’m quite disappointed about the latest twist on Ghost Whisperer. Yes, I watch that show. It’s goofy but fun. And Brian and I have created a drinking game based on that show. It’s called “Glugs for Jugs”. If we were actually playing, we would have a shot every time there was an obligatory mega-cleavage shot of Jennifer Love Hewitt, which, if you’ve seen the show, you know are quite frequent and gratuitous. With some episodes, we’d be smashed before the opening credits, so we just say “glug glug” instead of actually drinking. But I digress. Or maybe procrastinate…

7. Making to-do lists. I have bunches of them. I even cross things off of them occasionally. Though I don’t think I’ve completed an entire list in quite some time. But basically it’s a list of things that, after procrastinating for days, I have to prioritize last minute and scramble about to get each chore done in time for whatever deadline has been imposed on said chore. Nothing like the final countdown to a big event to get me moving. Working under pressure. Because I won’t totally screw something up or do something half-assed that way, right? Sure.

Now, to just get through the holidays with my sanity and my bank account intact. Won’t that be a mighty feat? I think I’d better stock up on caffeine. And rum. Look out holidays, here I come!




*I would like to note that I am not saying all teenagers are self-centered assholes. But the self-centered asshole teenagers seem to congregate at the mall and act like they own the place. No nastygrams please. Of course if that offends you, my blog might be a bit much for you to handle. Call that good advice or a fair warning.

I'm feeling silly today...

You lay there acting innocent
But I know that you’re faking
Watching, waiting, plotting
My sanity for the taking
You act nice ‘til I get to work
And then you get all crazy
I could plead and fight with you
But, damn, I’m just too lazy
You frizz and poke me in the face
You stick out all over the place
I get so tired of battling you
You sure aren’t any fun
But as I sit here with a ponytail
Just know today I won!

Wow, I’m so lucky my head hasn’t rolled away, or been plucked right off by a hungry seagull, because clearly it’s not attached to my body this week. And it’s only Tuesday…

Let’s see, where shall I begin? I’ll go with the most notable oversights and mix ups of the last few days. Granted, they aren’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but they are enough to make me feel like I should be saying “Oh my gawd!” like a valley girl while twirling my hair and snapping my gum. Keep in mind these events are in addition to all the little tiny things I tend to space out on, like forgetting my book when I left for work, defrosting something for dinner, or calling off that hit on… well, you get the idea.

Every Tuesday Jacob gets an envelope with his homework for the week, and it’s due back on the following Monday. According to the teacher, this is so working parents have some extra time to make sure the homework gets done. We appreciate this greatly, as we are especially busy and spacy on weekday evenings. This week, however, we apparently started in on “lazy time” too early, and we forgot to have him complete his last math page and write his last sentences for the week. And this morning, TUESDAY morning, the day AFTER the homework is due, I discovered that it was still sitting on our kitchen counter. Of course our kitchen counter is an avalanche waiting to happen what with all the papers on it right now, so it is completely understandable that the homework got buried and forgotten about, as this is almost a daily occurrence. We are taking steps to remedy the situation, but that will take a lot of sorting and some time, and maybe a magic wand or a voodoo priest. A little tiny tornado would probably be the most effective remedy to clear the space and start from scratch. Wouldn’t that be handy? “Need to get organized, but don’t know where to start? Wish you could just start from scratch? Well now you can with Whirlwind Wow! It’s easy! Just set Whirlwind Wow on top of any unholy mess that’s taken on a life of its own and in minutes you’ll have a nice clear surface, ready to be organized! But wait! Act now and we’ll send you a second Whirlwind Wow ABSOLUTELY FREE!” But I digress…

Prior to the forgotten homework discovery, the morning started as usual. I smacked my snooze button umpteen times, dragged my sorry ass out of bed, snarling like a cat who was swung through the air by the tail… and I’m so tired and rummy that the visual created by that statement is making me giggle just a bit. Okay, a lot*. I think I need one of those "Clocky" alarm clocks that rolls off the nightstand after you hit the snooze, so after one chance you are then forced to get up and chase it around blindly in order to shut it up. The makers of that alarm clock are GENIUSES and I am most definitely in their target market. So what’s keeping me from buying it? Well, I don't particularly want to commit to chasing a clock every morning. Oh, and $50 for a newfangled alarm clock just isn't in the budget. Every day I summon immense willpower to get up, prop my eyelids up with toothpicks, and attempt to transform myself from a tired growly lump with a monosyllabic vocabulary to a somewhat coherent human, suitable to be allowed to mingle with the rest of society. So then I took my shower, started to do my thing in the usual order, washed my face, shaved my legs, all that good stuff. It was only when I was struggling more than usual to get a comb through my evil hair that I realized I forgot to wash it. I got it wet, then proceeded to skip from face washing to body washing, and completely disregarded the hair washing step that usually takes place in between. Okay, no big deal. It’s just going up in a ponytail anyway, right?

So I was messing around with Jacob’s homework stuff, and leaving a note on it for his teacher (“Sorry this was late, but Jacob’s mommy is a fuckwit this week”), then I almost walked out of the house without some of my stuff, including my lunch and my cell phone. I DID walk out without the book I wanted to bring. I then drove to the gas station to go into the AM/PM to get a cappuccino, where I attempted to bring my lunch bag inside instead of my purse. I don’t suppose they would accept a granny smith apple in exchange for a cuppa joe? Yeah, didn’t think so. So I got my cappuccino (extra caffeine anyone?) and went to pay. It was $1.49, and for some reason my brain thought I was going to get 49 cents back as change, so I offered to give the guy a penny so that I could just get 2 quarters back. D’oh! That doesn’t make any sense, now does it? Granted, I’m no Mensa candidate at 5 o’clock in the morning, but it’s bad when even the most basic math escapes me. The guy behind the counter just laughed at me. I took a verbal bow (I’ll be here all week) and got the hell out of there before causing myself further embarrassment.

On to the rest of my day, which actually hasn’t been as bad as I expected given this morning’s antics. I’ve forgotten to do a few basic things at work (I really hope that call does not get monitored…) but other than that :::knock on wood::: it’s been alright. But the day is still young. I have yet to discover everything I can forget today!



*No cats were harmed in the making of this blog.

I had the opportunity to watch this show briefly several nights ago (for about 5 minutes) and I have to say that it is hilarious. Not the show itself, but simply the fact that it exists. I probably would have watched for longer, because everyone loves a good train wreck, but Brian changed the channel. On retrospect, that was probably for the better. I can’t afford to sacrifice brain cells.

For anyone who has not seen this show, let me explain. This is a show where 2 teams with goofy names like “The Six Packs” and “The Beer Bellies” are dressed in these strange silver full body leotard type outfits (excellent visual with the beer bellies) and helmets, and they look kind of like they are wrapped in tin foil like a baked potato. So then this wall appears with a human shaped hole cut into it, usually in some strange contorted position. The person who is up (or people in some cases) stands on a mat which basically drops off like a cliff at the end into a pool of water that is nuclear-waste-green, and the wall moves toward the person and the person has to contort themselves into whatever weird lotus-downward-dog-I'm-a-little-teapot position the hole is cut into and the objective is for them to pass through the hole as the wall moves past them, without getting knocked into the toxic spill beneath the cliff.

The funniest part? From what I watched, the leg holes are often much much shorter than the contestants' actual legs. They must have used 10 year old kids as models for the holes. So it looks like the contestant is going to fit through the hole, but no, his leg is too long and he gets bonked on the foot and into the ooze for him.

WOW. I really wish I could have been around for the brainstorming session on that one. They aren't even trying to come up with semi-intelligent game shows anymore.

First off, I just want to say: Suck it eBay!

Now, on to the ramblings…

I am giving blood tomorrow. It’s been ages since I’ve given blood, and I’ve only done it twice, about a decade ago. I never do it simply because it takes forever to get the blood out of me. Seriously, while I’m sitting there dripping my pint into the little bag, two or three people come and go in the chair next to me. I hope the blood mobile has room for two, or I’m going to mess up their schedule. But I am A negative, and that’s not a very common blood type, so I’m sure they could use my blood. I just hope I get someone who knows what they are doing and not the obligatory resident vein mangler.

Our breast cancer walk is next month. I’ve got a whole $20 donation so far, and that is from my husband. Jacob will be joining me this year, so that should be interesting. It’s a 5k walk, which is about 3.1 miles. I hope he doesn’t complain about the walk being too long. But I think he’ll do okay. I want to bring Logan too, but we no longer have a stroller, not even the umbrella stroller. We haven’t used one in about 2 years. And there is no way he will be able to walk that distance. And even if he can, he is slow as molasses in January. He loves to just meander (walking or riding his bike) and take in the sights. Which is all fine and dandy, but there is a place and a time, and that place and time is not during the breast cancer walk with my coworkers. Sorry Logan, I love you. You are going to have a daddy day while Jacob and I go walk.

Okay, I can’t figure this out. Why is it that on weekends, if I sit down on the couch anywhere between 11 am and 1 pm and watch TV, I can’t keep my freakin’ eyes open? But at night during the week, when I’m exhausted because I’ve been up since 4 am and have worked a full day and driven 45 miles each way to work and back, having the TV on in my bedroom keeps me awake. I am so tired from getting to sleep too late every night. I stopped at the AM/PM at the gas station this morning because they have pretty good cappuccino and I got a “mocha alert” which is a mocha with extra caffeine. I guess it’s working. I don’t really feel any more awake or alert. In fact, I could really go for a nap right about now…

I just had a member tell me that the sooner we go out of business, the better off the medical profession will be. He didn’t stick around long enough to hear me tell him that the same things happen with ABC Insurance company and XYZ insurance company, and every other insurance company out there. Instead he hung up on me mid-sentence. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore anyway. And of course he is more than welcome, encouraged even, to switch to another company where he can play by their (similar, if not the same) rules.

My day was okay until I took a 30 minute phone call from someone who wanted to scream at me, not listen to me, talk over me, have a conversation that went in circles, and make me repeat myself at least a dozen time. Ever since, I’ve wanted to bang my head on the desk each time I get a call, even an easy one. That probably wouldn’t help my headache much though.

More rambling coming soon…