Michelle's Madness

Trudging through the store
Kids bouncing around like they're
pinballs on steroids

Scrabble Tile Pendants from Etsy. I bought some as a Christmas gift, and one for myself, and I can’t wait until I can stop buying gifts so I can get some more for me! I purchased them from HomeStudio on Etsy and I am quite pleased. First of all, the selection of designs is awesome. I couldn’t decide what to get! (I got this and this for my friend, and this for me, for now). Secondly, I made the purchase on Friday and chose priority shipping and I was thrilled to find my package in the mailbox on Tuesday. These pendants are so cool and inexpensive that I can pick a design for every day to match my mood!

The song “Lost” by Coldplay. There’s just something about this song; I love it!

Super Pretzels. I’ve always liked big, warm, soft pretzels, and I love that I can get them in the freezer section. They bake in about 5 minutes and comes with pretzel salt, which is the best part! Sure, they’re not as good as a fresh pretzel would be, but they are still quite yummy when the munchies hit.

“Found” money, aka leftover gift cards. I had $26 and change left on an Old Navy gift card and since I can’t seem to find a thing for myself (see last week’s post) I decided to get Jacob some jeans, since he needs more. He keeps either shredding the knees of his pants, or he simply grows out of them. We keep telling him to stop growing already because we keep having to buy him new clothes and shoes, but he refuses to listen. Anyway, the boys’ jeans are currently 2 for $28 in the store, and normally I don’t buy their clothes at Old Navy, but since I had the gift card, I went ahead and got him 2 pairs (and luckily I got the size right so I don’t have to go back!) and I ended up only paying something like $3.23 out of pocket. Woohoo!

The Mentalist. I keep waiting for the next episode to be Tivo'd. If you haven't seen this show yet, stop what you're doing on Tuesdays at 9:00 PM and watch it (or stop right now and add it to your Tivo to-do list).

I've been doing a pretty darn good job at staying calm and even humorous while at work, which definitely makes the day better and go by a bit more quickly. But today everyone can suck it. I've already taken way too damn many phone calls, and let me tell you, there are many villages missing their idiots today. My last caller didn't know the member's ID number, so I looked it up and said I would give it to her (so she could put it on the form I'm sending her). She said, "Her ID number as it pertains to what?" Um, it's her IDENTIFICATION number. It's how you IDENTIFY the member. How is this hard? And I can't tell you how many people call us for an authorization request, and I inform them that it's done by fax and offer to send the form and they actually say to me, "So what do I do, just fill it out and fax it back to you?". No, I thought maybe you could take it to dinner and a movie first, or just wipe your ass with it. Of course you're going to fill it out and send it back. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!

I just have to survive 2 more hours without strangling someone or setting them on fire. I really wish I could send the little army guys I have on my computer monitor out and about to help clean up the gene pool a bit.

1. I cannot do Sudoku to save my life. If the fate of the world depended on me finishing one of those, well, let’s just say that everyone can put their heads between their legs and kiss their asses goodbye. Almost every square has white out on it, several layers in fact. I had one almost finished, and I was so excited, until I had one number left and it didn’t fit. DAMN IT, THERE’S ALREADY AN EFFING 6 IN THIS ROW!!!! GAAH! The only way to unfuck that is to throw another layer of white out on each square and start from scratch. I’ll save that for a day when I’m really bored or for when I feel like straining my brain to the point of aneurysm.

2. People really are nicer when you’re nice to them. At least most of them are. So all that psychobabble bullshit I’ve been hearing for years has some truth to it. Who knew? Now the trick is remembering that on a day when I feel like making someone wear their ass for a hat.

3. Sausage McMuffin with egg and cheese for breakfast followed by leftover pizza for lunch? Bad idea. Pass the Tums please.

4. Accidentally inhaling a small portion of said McMuffin causes an hour of coughing.

5. I knew this already, but I reaffirmed that Old Navy is the devil. Most of their pants seem to have been designed around a box instead of an actual woman. I did find one pair of jeans that would pass the butt test, but guess what? In my size, they are about a mile too long. I’d have to wear 6-inch heels just to keep them off the ground. And anyone who knows me knows that I don’t do 6-inch heels. No way. I'd break an ankle.

6. If one kid gets a Clone Trooper, the other kid must have one or else they will beat the crap out of each other for it. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the Clone Trooper. It was received at school by Santa, so they have to share or they’re pretty much screwed.

That's all for this week's lessons.

1. “Brangelina”. Booooring. Who really gives a crap what they are doing? And I don’t get this obsession with combining celebrity names: Bennifer, TomKat. Who cares enough about these people to sit around and make up cutsie names for them?

2. “Reality” TV. How in the hell is this crap considered reality? A bunch of narcissistic losers are crammed together in a big house and they have to lie, cheat, and manipulate everyone in order to avoid being voted out of the house (or off the island). Where’s the reality? That’s not like real life. Well, I suppose the lying, cheating, and manipulating are… And these shows are being cranked out faster than a baby boy can whiz on you when his diaper is removed. I think the executives sit in the conference room and play Mad Libs in order to find a topic for the next time waster. Maybe one day we will see: “Super Maid”; “When People Poke Bears”; “Project Hooker”; “Waxing Gone Wrong”; or “Extreme Horse Makeover”. Now, if every now and then they spiced things up by tossing a badger into someone’s tent while they were asleep, I might consider watching.

3. Skinny jeans. Just wrong.

4. Jon and Kate Plus 8. I know many people adore this show (which I will say is slightly more realistic than most reality TV... slightly) but I really can’t figure out why. Kate yells a lot and treats Jon like he’s her 9th child, and all he does is make some passive aggressive comment. It’s painful to watch as they try desperately to control their thinly veiled hatred of one another. Yes, I know they just renewed their vows. They must keep up the charade because the cash cow would stop shitting wads of money if they ever broke up.

5. Why some women wear tight and/or low cut pants despite the chub they have around their waists. Hello, muffin top. Buy a mirror girls, or appropriate clothing in the next size up, because that’s not attractive. And no, your confident attitude will not compensate and make you seem sexy despite you pouring out of the top of your pants, I don’t care what Cosmo says.

That's all for this edition of Things I Don't Get. Stay tuned for more!