Michelle's Madness

Wow, I’m so lucky my head hasn’t rolled away, or been plucked right off by a hungry seagull, because clearly it’s not attached to my body this week. And it’s only Tuesday…

Let’s see, where shall I begin? I’ll go with the most notable oversights and mix ups of the last few days. Granted, they aren’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but they are enough to make me feel like I should be saying “Oh my gawd!” like a valley girl while twirling my hair and snapping my gum. Keep in mind these events are in addition to all the little tiny things I tend to space out on, like forgetting my book when I left for work, defrosting something for dinner, or calling off that hit on… well, you get the idea.

Every Tuesday Jacob gets an envelope with his homework for the week, and it’s due back on the following Monday. According to the teacher, this is so working parents have some extra time to make sure the homework gets done. We appreciate this greatly, as we are especially busy and spacy on weekday evenings. This week, however, we apparently started in on “lazy time” too early, and we forgot to have him complete his last math page and write his last sentences for the week. And this morning, TUESDAY morning, the day AFTER the homework is due, I discovered that it was still sitting on our kitchen counter. Of course our kitchen counter is an avalanche waiting to happen what with all the papers on it right now, so it is completely understandable that the homework got buried and forgotten about, as this is almost a daily occurrence. We are taking steps to remedy the situation, but that will take a lot of sorting and some time, and maybe a magic wand or a voodoo priest. A little tiny tornado would probably be the most effective remedy to clear the space and start from scratch. Wouldn’t that be handy? “Need to get organized, but don’t know where to start? Wish you could just start from scratch? Well now you can with Whirlwind Wow! It’s easy! Just set Whirlwind Wow on top of any unholy mess that’s taken on a life of its own and in minutes you’ll have a nice clear surface, ready to be organized! But wait! Act now and we’ll send you a second Whirlwind Wow ABSOLUTELY FREE!” But I digress…

Prior to the forgotten homework discovery, the morning started as usual. I smacked my snooze button umpteen times, dragged my sorry ass out of bed, snarling like a cat who was swung through the air by the tail… and I’m so tired and rummy that the visual created by that statement is making me giggle just a bit. Okay, a lot*. I think I need one of those "Clocky" alarm clocks that rolls off the nightstand after you hit the snooze, so after one chance you are then forced to get up and chase it around blindly in order to shut it up. The makers of that alarm clock are GENIUSES and I am most definitely in their target market. So what’s keeping me from buying it? Well, I don't particularly want to commit to chasing a clock every morning. Oh, and $50 for a newfangled alarm clock just isn't in the budget. Every day I summon immense willpower to get up, prop my eyelids up with toothpicks, and attempt to transform myself from a tired growly lump with a monosyllabic vocabulary to a somewhat coherent human, suitable to be allowed to mingle with the rest of society. So then I took my shower, started to do my thing in the usual order, washed my face, shaved my legs, all that good stuff. It was only when I was struggling more than usual to get a comb through my evil hair that I realized I forgot to wash it. I got it wet, then proceeded to skip from face washing to body washing, and completely disregarded the hair washing step that usually takes place in between. Okay, no big deal. It’s just going up in a ponytail anyway, right?

So I was messing around with Jacob’s homework stuff, and leaving a note on it for his teacher (“Sorry this was late, but Jacob’s mommy is a fuckwit this week”), then I almost walked out of the house without some of my stuff, including my lunch and my cell phone. I DID walk out without the book I wanted to bring. I then drove to the gas station to go into the AM/PM to get a cappuccino, where I attempted to bring my lunch bag inside instead of my purse. I don’t suppose they would accept a granny smith apple in exchange for a cuppa joe? Yeah, didn’t think so. So I got my cappuccino (extra caffeine anyone?) and went to pay. It was $1.49, and for some reason my brain thought I was going to get 49 cents back as change, so I offered to give the guy a penny so that I could just get 2 quarters back. D’oh! That doesn’t make any sense, now does it? Granted, I’m no Mensa candidate at 5 o’clock in the morning, but it’s bad when even the most basic math escapes me. The guy behind the counter just laughed at me. I took a verbal bow (I’ll be here all week) and got the hell out of there before causing myself further embarrassment.

On to the rest of my day, which actually hasn’t been as bad as I expected given this morning’s antics. I’ve forgotten to do a few basic things at work (I really hope that call does not get monitored…) but other than that :::knock on wood::: it’s been alright. But the day is still young. I have yet to discover everything I can forget today!



*No cats were harmed in the making of this blog.