Michelle's Madness

Whenever I think I’ve heard every kind of crazy there is, someone surprises me. You would think I wouldn’t be shocked anymore, but damn it if my jaw just doesn’t drop some days. Of course next month I’ll hear something that trumps this, but for now… well, all I can say is WOW. And when I say 'WOW' what I mean is that I am weeping for our childrens' future. Because the idiots are only multiplying.

So here I am at work, minding my own business, answering calls as they come in, and just doing my best to deal with the crazies. (I swear I’m in the crazy queue today, because I’m getting more yahoos than usual). I get this call from a pharmacy wanting help with processing a claim for one of our members. Okay, nothing unusual about that. So apparently this member has another insurance as his primary, at least according to Medicare. The guy from the pharmacy says the member no longer has the other insurance. I told him that we would need documentation faxed to us that shows the other coverage is terminated. He asked who we needed it from, and if he could just write something on a piece of paper and fax it. Um, noooooo…. That is not considered proof: "evidence sufficient to establish a thing as true, or to produce belief in its truth". If I could simply write something on a piece of paper and that made it true, I would be the Queen of the World with unlimited funds. Because of course, I could just write my “bank balance” on a piece of paper and that would make it so. I’m sure the bank teller would just hand me the key to the vault and tell me to help myself. That would be sweet…

But that isn’t even the crazy part. I told him that we need something like a letter from Medicare or the other insurance company showing that the coverage is no longer active. Then he said…

Are you ready?

I’m not making this up.

Seriously, this is verbatim.

“You need to lower your expectations of this patient because he doesn’t speak English!”

I'm sorry mister, I must have hallucinated because you couldn't have possibly said what I think you did.

Oh shit, he did say that.

I’ll repeat that in case your head just exploded due to the sheer stupidity of the statement: “You need to lower your expectations of this patient because he doesn’t speak English!”

Oh, how Carlos Mencia would love to see his point proven once again. People can’t keep up so we lower the standards.

To top this off, the member’s son, WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH, was standing right there at the pharmacy. The caller from the pharmacy (I’m sorry, but I refuse to call him a technician or a pharmacist; I just can’t give him that kind of credit) told him what we needed, and I heard him say it in English. Okay, so if we have to lower the expectations for his dad because he can’t speak English, what’s this guy’s excuse? Do we lower the standards for him because he’s a fucktard? And why do I have to lower my expectations because he’s a flaming imbecile? If he can't handle something as simple as "get a letter from the company that says the coverage has ended", then maybe he shouldn’t be taking care of his father’s affairs. Or wandering the streets unattended. Or be allowed to continue the bloodline.

Of course, it’s not his fault he’s stupid. Society hasn’t pushed him to excel, and why should he try to excel on his own when society will coddle him and lower the standards even more to meet his less-than-mediocre intelligence? We wouldn't want his self-esteem to suffer, right? We don't want to be mean by actually expecting people to think and shit.

Now everybody sing along with the "Dee Dee Dee Song", while I bang my head on my desk for a while...

The boys are at Camp Gramma's and Brian went to a friend's house last night to stay and watch the game today (his friend lives an hour away). So I've been alone since about 5 PM yesterday evening. I had all these things planned to do while I was alone: work on some play lists for my Zune, pick some pictures to have printed at Longs, do laundry, clean the kitchen, make some stuff for lunches this week and some chicken for salads, watch a movie, work out. Yeah, so much for plans. I loaded the dishwasher and threw in some laundry. I forced myself to work out this morning because I really need to get back on track after being sick. I am not at 100% yet, which was quickly realized when I was trying to do crunches and could barely manage 10 because I'm still so tired. I suppose I should really work on the food for the week. What I actually got done: watched a bunch of episodes of Untold Stories of the E.R. on TLC, plus a couple of movies, played on the computer for a while, and took a nice long nap. Hey, who the hell wants to actually do something when the kids are away and you have quiet time to yourself???

Ah, this makes me long for the good ol' days of working retail pharmacy. Wait a minute... no it doesn't!

Pharmacist's guide to patient etiquette

1. Be sure to stare at the pharmacist/technician while your prescriptions are being filled. Staring at the pharmacist/technician makes him or her work faster.

2. Never remember the name of the medications you want refilled. By calling it “the little white pill,” you are sure to receive the correct medication.

3. When calling in eight prescriptions or more, always arrive at the pharmacy to pick them up within 10 minutes. It is okay to hurry pharmacists/technicians; if they make a mistake, it won't kill you or anything.*

4. Feel free to ask the pharmacy staff for the exact price of your prescription before it is filled. The staff should know every co-pay for every insurance plan.

5. Always ask how long it will take to fill a prescription. If you're lucky, you will get it for free if it's not ready in 30 minutes or less. Also, be sure to keep asking if the prescription is ready every five minutes-pharmacists often keep prescriptions to themselves after they are filled just to tick you off.

6. Be sure to complain about the co-pay. The co-pay is set on the whim of the pharmacist and has nothing to do with the insurance company.

7. It is not necessary to present your insurance card, or even know the name of the company. Pharmacists/technicians are psychic and know everyone's insurance.

8. Pharmacies encourage forgery. When you pick up a prescription for someone else, please forge his name.

9. Upon calling in a refill for a maintenance medication without refills, always question why the doctor has to be called when you've taken the same medication for years. It is only a myth that prescription medications have to be ordered by doctors.

10. Always question why the insurance company is so concerned about your getting Prilosec 10 days too soon. After all you're paying $5.00 for it, and that's all it costs.

11. Over-the-counter displays are put there in order to entertain children. Please encourage them to play with any item and even open one or two.

12. Make sure you save all your old insurance cards. One of pharmacist's/technician's favorite games is to guess which one is current.*

13. When you call in a prescription, just say “Can I have my pills filled?” You can be sure the pharmacist/technician will recognize your voice and know which medication you want.

14. Pharmacists are some of the few people whose ears work independently. So when you see a pharmacist on the phone, feel free to just start talking – his free ear will hear everything.

15. The pharmacist is the only person in the store who is really capable of writing down your refill numbers, so when you call, demand to speak to a pharmacist.

16. Try to do all your pharmacy business on a Monday. The pharmacist/technicians will appreciate it.

17. Another pharmacist favorite is to have a patient walk up and ask, “Can I pick up my prescription?” Guessing who you are is another pharmacist game.

18. When there are several people ahead of you near the pickup counter, always stand right at it. The pharmacist/technician will know how important you are and fill your Rx first, and, if not, you can listen to juicy patient-pharmacist conversations.

19. If you are not asked for you insurance card, it means that the pharmacist/technician wants to fill your prescription and then, after you are told how much it is, you can shout, “I have insurance.” The pharmacist/technician will be glad to do it over.

20. When you need a really old prescription filled, tell the pharmacist that you have a standing order for it. This works especially well if the doctor who wrote it is dead.

21. When you get a new insurance card, make sure you keep it a secret. The pharmacist/technician would rather phone your old company to find out why your Rx is being rejected.*

22. When you drop off a refill bottle, tell the staff you'll pick it up either today or tomorrow. This type of clarity helps the pharmacist/technician plan their workload.

23. When you order your prescriptions and the pharmacist/technician asks which ones, respond by saying, “All of them.” They will know.*

24. When asked for the number of your prescription, respond by saying, “I don't know, you have it there.” The pharmacist/technician will know.

25. When asking for a refill on a pain medication, make sure you wait until the last one is gone and then try to call late on Friday afternoon. It will be easy for the staff to get in touch with the doctor for a new Rx.*

26. When picking up your prescription, be sure to look over the technician's/clerk's shoulder at the prescription shelf for your prescription, and point and say "It's right there!" They love to guess your name and what shelf you are pointing at.

27. While waiting for your prescription to be filled, be sure to complain loudly and repeatedly that it's taking too long and wonder why the pharmacist/technician doesn't just take the box off the shelf and slap a label on it. Surely yours is the only prescription that needs to be filled.


#3: Yes, and please get pissed at the techs when your stuff isn't ready. Because of course there is nobody on the planet who needs meds besides you.

#12: I always wanted to slap the shit out of these patients...

#21: I can't tell you how much I love getting the calls from the confused and often irritated pharmacy wondering why the hell we aren't paying for the patient's meds anymore. That's awesome.

#23: "All of them"? How about "fuck you!"?

#25: Yeah, I wanted to slap the shit out of these ones too. I especially loved the ones who would try to get me to just give them a refill because they "really need" their medication. Yes, I would love to lose my job, my license and possibly be fined and jailed FOR YOU. Now when I get calls from these people, I want to tell them that they should learn how to count so they know how many pills they have left, and to piss off. I call that 'Tuesday'.

...This lady. How is it that the people at the bar let her stay there for hours? Did they not see the baby? Wasn't there a little bit wrong with that picture? Or has the economy made business owners so desperate for revenue that they'll turn a blind eye to something that's obviously fucked up in order to make some cash? What kind of fucktard keeps serving drinks to a lady holding a three week old baby? She better not get that kid back

The Runner Up: First of all, why in the hell would you be sleeping while letting your SIX YEAR OLD get himself off to school? I cannot even fathom this. It's all fine and dandy that he takes the bus, but don't you think you should get up with him and, oh, say, feed him and make sure he's ready to go and gets on the bus safely? Hmmmm? Did that idea ever cross your mind? Secondly, MY six year old wouldn't even dream of doing this. Seriously, what the hell are you teaching your kid if he thinks it's okay to try to drive himself to school? Or how petrified must he be of you that he takes your car instead of waking you up to tell you he missed the bus? Or maybe he did try and couldn't wake you from you drunken stupor after a night of bar hopping and slutting it up with your girlfriends.

Honorable Mention: Okay, so the parents weren't present, but obviously the FOUR YEAR OLD knew where the pellet gun was and how to use it. I was wondering, "How in the hell did this four year old come up with the idea that he could just shoot someone for making him mad, let alone know how to use the gun?" Then I saw the mobile home part and that answered that. This is probably also a kid whose favorite shows are WWE Raw, Jerry Springer, and Rock of Love, and I bet his dad gets all his advice on relationships (and life in general) from Manswers.

Way to go everyone! You are contributing to the dumbing down of America and pushing us that much closer to Idiocracy. But don't worry; soon enough your kids will be put in the custody of Carl's Jr. and you'll have all the time in the world to sit on a barstool, sleep, or watch The Girls Next Door. Meanwhile, I'll be enjoying the intelligent shows (while they last) and teaching my kids those pesky things like right from wrong, manners, and why it's important to finish high school and go to college. Cheers!

I've never bothered to make New Year's resolutions, mostly because I'm too lazy to bother or I simply forget. Or maybe it's because I know I won't keep them. In any case, this year is no different. No official resolutions, so I won't feel guilty about breaking them. However I do have a goal this year: lose 25-30 pounds. I'm dying to wear my red dress again, and I'd like to be able to wear it for my 10th anniversary in October.



I've already been making changes to what we eat (Brian is joining me in this craziness adventure) and already I'm seeing results. I started preparing to do this on December 30, and the changes have been in effect for 3 days, since January 2. Actually I started working on it on December 31, but frankly, after a handful of chocolate chip cookies and 3 huge rum and cokes, I gave up trying. Actually, I gave up giving a shit altogether.



On January 1, I didn't even try. We went to my aunt's house for the day and she had this dip from Trader Joe's that was to die for. Well, maybe I wouldn't die for it, but I'd definitely body check somebody to get the last one in the refrigerator case. It was the Sun Dried Tomato and Pesto Torta. The bottom layer is pesto cream cheese, then a layer of cream cheese, all topped off with a ton of sun dried tomatoes. If you haven't experienced this culinary delight, I suggest you get your ass in your car right now and break all traffic laws to get to your nearest TJ's. Cut off little old ladies meandering down the road at 10 miles under the speed limit in their full size Buicks (what is up with that shit anyway? As their driving skills decline, they get bigger, harder to maneuver cars. There should be a law against that), flip off any cop that dares to stand in your way, and mow down pedestrians if necessary (1,000 points if they try to run and you still nail them). Seriously, drop what you're doing and go. I'll wait. Don't forget to get crackers to eat it with. We had Wheat Thins, and that was yummy.


Hemline in the back

Basically, between the dip, the fudge I brought, and the enchiladas for dinner, I didn't even try. And I have no apologies for that. However I have been sticking to my plan since January 2 and it's been much easier than I expected. Last year I tried Weight Watchers for all of 2 weeks and I nearly went insane. My points range is the lowest they have, 18-23 points, and it was maddening for me to attempt compliance. I was starving! And all I wanted was a goddamn snickerdoodle. Twelve snickerdoodles, actually. So that didn't take.



So I've printed some of my most unflattering pictures for motivation, along with pictures of my dress, and I started my workouts this morning. I'm not following the Points system, but I'm using as a guideline to judge the worthiness of foods when I can. Worthiness as in "Is it worth it to put that in my mouth?" Also, I am a member of the website SparkPeople and it's very helpful. I've been pretty good at entering what I eat into the nutrition tracker, and entering my workouts in the fitness tracker. So far, I have lost 3 pounds. WOOHOO! I know the weight is going to come off the fastest at first, and I certainly don't expect to lose weight that quickly all the time, but I was very excited to see that when I stepped on the scale this morning. I was expecting maybe a pound. Now that's what I call motivation!

So up yours, New Years resolutions. I just want to get my body back! Look out world!