Michelle's Madness

Last night, Jacob was having a hard time getting to sleep. He said he was having bad dreams, but I know that he hadn’t even fallen asleep yet and just wanted to snuggle. So he came into my room and I let him snuggle with me for a few minutes. Well I was watching Family Guy, so of course he started watching with me. At one point Stewie said, “You’re going to (bleep)ing die in about 5 seconds…” and Jacob said, “I think he means ‘F word die’”. Indeed. So I told him, “You know, as a 7 year old, that’s probably not something you should really know” and he replied, “I won’t tell anyone”. As long as we have an understanding.

Then, a couple of minutes later, Stewie called someone a tall glass of poop juice and that certainly got raucous laughter from him. A good poop joke is always a hit with boys. On that note, I put him back in bed. As I was trying to say goodnight to him, he was laughing so hard that I starting laughing really hard, which only made him laugh harder. Brian came into the room to see what was so darn funny. Jacob kept repeating the line and I told him not to bust that out at school and he said, “I know, I won’t”. Here’s hoping…

When did I get old? Okay, so I’m not really old, I’m only 31, but sometimes I feel old, like when I’m skimming through a People or an Us magazine. I look at the stories, the scandals and the fashion and I wonder, “Who the hell is this person?” Seriously, who is Ashley Tisdale? I have no idea who Shenae Grimes and Taylor Momsen are. And Adrian Grenier? No clue who he is, but he’s fuck ugly. I read these names and see their pictures and just wonder why anyone gives a damn.

As I try to figure out what these random people could possibly be famous for I am reminded of the stereotype of parents hating their kids’ music and the phrase “If it’s too loud, you’re too old” or something of that nature. And I wonder, “Am I a real-life grown up now?” Well, maybe I am, but I still love Green Day, dammit!

We were goofing around before the boys went to bed tonight and Logan was showing me his different "faces". Here is a selection:

Happy Face:


Sad Face:


Mad Face:


And then on to the silly faces:

Silly Face #1:



Silly Face #2:


Silly Face #3:


Silly Face #4:


And Jacob got in on the silly face act too:

When I drive to and from work everyday, I am alone, with my thoughts and my music. Commuting without my tunes would drive me insane with boredom. What I listen to varies from day to day. Some days, I might be cranky and in the mood for angry music; other days, I’m feeling pretty good and I want upbeat, fun songs. Still other days, I want to listen only to songs that I can really sing along to. And every so often I have the day where I’m not quite sure what I want to listen to.

So, in my 2.5 years of commuting, I have occasionally thought to myself which song would be on the soundtrack if my life were a movie. Of course that can vary depending on my mood, but there are some definite must-haves:

“Change Your Mind” by Sister Hazel
This song is an absolute must. It reminds me that I can change who I am, that if I’m in a bad mood, I don’t have to be. I can decide that I don’t want to be miserable and work on improving my frame of mind, and that I can do it simply to make myself feel better.

"Blankest Year" by Nada Surf
This is my “oh well, who cares?” song. How can one argue with the chorus: “Oh fuck it, I’m gonna have a party”?

“Just Another Day In Paradise” by Phil Vassar
I used to like country music more than I do now (which is not much), but this song has always spoke to me. It’s about the daily grind, crazy kids, too much to do, living life in an imperfect world, but not wanting to be anywhere else. Good stuff.

“Why Can’t I?” by Liz Phair
This is my ring tone for my hubby and has been for years. This song came out well after we got together, but it always makes me think of him. Partly because we were both kind of involved with other people when we met (oops!) but mostly because not long after we met, I was so crazy for him I had tons of butterflies and he was all I could think about. Sappy, yeah, but true.

“Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison
This is Brian’s ring tone for me. I think the reasoning is pretty obvious, but for those of you who might be a little slower than others, I have brown eyes and I’m his girl. Duh.

“Mahna Mahna” by Cake
Everyone has to have a silly song, and this one is mine. Here's the original. I love The Muppet Show!

“Seether” by Veruca Salt
This is one of my bad day songs. It reminds me of the psycho girl inside me that’s just waiting to be unleashed, the one I have to work extra hard to tame on a crappy day.

“Stir It Up” by Bob Marley
Because every life’s soundtrack should have a chillin’ Bob Marley song, and this is my favorite.

“A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis Presley
The one you hear in the opening credits for the TV show “Las Vegas”, not the annoying remixes. Just a fun song.

“Move Along” by The All-American Rejects
I listen to this song when I’m bummed and trying to remind myself to “just keep swimming”.

“The Boogie Bumper” by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Fun instrumental (mostly) that makes me wish I knew how to swing dance!

I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but I’ll just consider this the soundtrack to the first movie. Who knows what the sequel will bring!

Let me start by saying that Jacob is turning into me more and more everyday. So any of you who know me will understand why the following exchange did not end in punishment or admonishment of any kind (other than to tell him not to say this to anyone else!). We were in the car, driving to my mother-in-law's house, talking about Transformers.

Jacob: "All Transformers are too hard for Mommy." (followed by riotous laughter from the males in the vehicle)

Me: "Yeah? Bake a cake!"

Jacob: "Bite me!" (followed by laughter from all)

Brian said that comment was sent straight through from God himself. It was said with such perfect timing, I'm actually very proud. I can't possibly get mad at him for saying that because Brian and I have conversations like that on a regular basis, jokingly of course. It would be different if he had said it out of anger and slammed his bedroom door on me. But no, it was just another demonstration of the sarcasm that is so prevalent in our genes. (Thanks Dad!)

Though I do have to say that it can be difficult dealing with a mini male version of myself on a daily basis. But as long as we all maintain a somewhat compatible sense of humor, I'm sure things will be okay.

I’m sitting at work and just thinking up haiku as a way to keep myself somewhat sane. Enjoy!

Today is Friday
Yay, pizza and movie night!
I love being home

I need more coffee
Fuzzy thoughts and can’t think straight
and cranky as hell

Silly girls babble
Blah Blah Blah, shut the fuck up
Really annoying

I crave Chinese food
It’s been calling out to me
More potstickers please!

Drugs, so many drugs
Can’t imagine swallowing
all those freakin’ pills!

Damn work is cutting
into my sudoku time
Stop calling me, jerks!

Yes, I finally
figured out sudoku. Yeah!
No more confusion

Bitchy people call
So mad! Not my fault that you
faxed to wrong number

Whenever I think I’ve heard every kind of crazy there is, someone surprises me. You would think I wouldn’t be shocked anymore, but damn it if my jaw just doesn’t drop some days. Of course next month I’ll hear something that trumps this, but for now… well, all I can say is WOW. And when I say 'WOW' what I mean is that I am weeping for our childrens' future. Because the idiots are only multiplying.

So here I am at work, minding my own business, answering calls as they come in, and just doing my best to deal with the crazies. (I swear I’m in the crazy queue today, because I’m getting more yahoos than usual). I get this call from a pharmacy wanting help with processing a claim for one of our members. Okay, nothing unusual about that. So apparently this member has another insurance as his primary, at least according to Medicare. The guy from the pharmacy says the member no longer has the other insurance. I told him that we would need documentation faxed to us that shows the other coverage is terminated. He asked who we needed it from, and if he could just write something on a piece of paper and fax it. Um, noooooo…. That is not considered proof: "evidence sufficient to establish a thing as true, or to produce belief in its truth". If I could simply write something on a piece of paper and that made it true, I would be the Queen of the World with unlimited funds. Because of course, I could just write my “bank balance” on a piece of paper and that would make it so. I’m sure the bank teller would just hand me the key to the vault and tell me to help myself. That would be sweet…

But that isn’t even the crazy part. I told him that we need something like a letter from Medicare or the other insurance company showing that the coverage is no longer active. Then he said…

Are you ready?

I’m not making this up.

Seriously, this is verbatim.

“You need to lower your expectations of this patient because he doesn’t speak English!”

I'm sorry mister, I must have hallucinated because you couldn't have possibly said what I think you did.

Oh shit, he did say that.

I’ll repeat that in case your head just exploded due to the sheer stupidity of the statement: “You need to lower your expectations of this patient because he doesn’t speak English!”

Oh, how Carlos Mencia would love to see his point proven once again. People can’t keep up so we lower the standards.

To top this off, the member’s son, WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH, was standing right there at the pharmacy. The caller from the pharmacy (I’m sorry, but I refuse to call him a technician or a pharmacist; I just can’t give him that kind of credit) told him what we needed, and I heard him say it in English. Okay, so if we have to lower the expectations for his dad because he can’t speak English, what’s this guy’s excuse? Do we lower the standards for him because he’s a fucktard? And why do I have to lower my expectations because he’s a flaming imbecile? If he can't handle something as simple as "get a letter from the company that says the coverage has ended", then maybe he shouldn’t be taking care of his father’s affairs. Or wandering the streets unattended. Or be allowed to continue the bloodline.

Of course, it’s not his fault he’s stupid. Society hasn’t pushed him to excel, and why should he try to excel on his own when society will coddle him and lower the standards even more to meet his less-than-mediocre intelligence? We wouldn't want his self-esteem to suffer, right? We don't want to be mean by actually expecting people to think and shit.

Now everybody sing along with the "Dee Dee Dee Song", while I bang my head on my desk for a while...

Ah, this makes me long for the good ol' days of working retail pharmacy. Wait a minute... no it doesn't!

Pharmacist's guide to patient etiquette

1. Be sure to stare at the pharmacist/technician while your prescriptions are being filled. Staring at the pharmacist/technician makes him or her work faster.

2. Never remember the name of the medications you want refilled. By calling it “the little white pill,” you are sure to receive the correct medication.

3. When calling in eight prescriptions or more, always arrive at the pharmacy to pick them up within 10 minutes. It is okay to hurry pharmacists/technicians; if they make a mistake, it won't kill you or anything.*

4. Feel free to ask the pharmacy staff for the exact price of your prescription before it is filled. The staff should know every co-pay for every insurance plan.

5. Always ask how long it will take to fill a prescription. If you're lucky, you will get it for free if it's not ready in 30 minutes or less. Also, be sure to keep asking if the prescription is ready every five minutes-pharmacists often keep prescriptions to themselves after they are filled just to tick you off.

6. Be sure to complain about the co-pay. The co-pay is set on the whim of the pharmacist and has nothing to do with the insurance company.

7. It is not necessary to present your insurance card, or even know the name of the company. Pharmacists/technicians are psychic and know everyone's insurance.

8. Pharmacies encourage forgery. When you pick up a prescription for someone else, please forge his name.

9. Upon calling in a refill for a maintenance medication without refills, always question why the doctor has to be called when you've taken the same medication for years. It is only a myth that prescription medications have to be ordered by doctors.

10. Always question why the insurance company is so concerned about your getting Prilosec 10 days too soon. After all you're paying $5.00 for it, and that's all it costs.

11. Over-the-counter displays are put there in order to entertain children. Please encourage them to play with any item and even open one or two.

12. Make sure you save all your old insurance cards. One of pharmacist's/technician's favorite games is to guess which one is current.*

13. When you call in a prescription, just say “Can I have my pills filled?” You can be sure the pharmacist/technician will recognize your voice and know which medication you want.

14. Pharmacists are some of the few people whose ears work independently. So when you see a pharmacist on the phone, feel free to just start talking – his free ear will hear everything.

15. The pharmacist is the only person in the store who is really capable of writing down your refill numbers, so when you call, demand to speak to a pharmacist.

16. Try to do all your pharmacy business on a Monday. The pharmacist/technicians will appreciate it.

17. Another pharmacist favorite is to have a patient walk up and ask, “Can I pick up my prescription?” Guessing who you are is another pharmacist game.

18. When there are several people ahead of you near the pickup counter, always stand right at it. The pharmacist/technician will know how important you are and fill your Rx first, and, if not, you can listen to juicy patient-pharmacist conversations.

19. If you are not asked for you insurance card, it means that the pharmacist/technician wants to fill your prescription and then, after you are told how much it is, you can shout, “I have insurance.” The pharmacist/technician will be glad to do it over.

20. When you need a really old prescription filled, tell the pharmacist that you have a standing order for it. This works especially well if the doctor who wrote it is dead.

21. When you get a new insurance card, make sure you keep it a secret. The pharmacist/technician would rather phone your old company to find out why your Rx is being rejected.*

22. When you drop off a refill bottle, tell the staff you'll pick it up either today or tomorrow. This type of clarity helps the pharmacist/technician plan their workload.

23. When you order your prescriptions and the pharmacist/technician asks which ones, respond by saying, “All of them.” They will know.*

24. When asked for the number of your prescription, respond by saying, “I don't know, you have it there.” The pharmacist/technician will know.

25. When asking for a refill on a pain medication, make sure you wait until the last one is gone and then try to call late on Friday afternoon. It will be easy for the staff to get in touch with the doctor for a new Rx.*

26. When picking up your prescription, be sure to look over the technician's/clerk's shoulder at the prescription shelf for your prescription, and point and say "It's right there!" They love to guess your name and what shelf you are pointing at.

27. While waiting for your prescription to be filled, be sure to complain loudly and repeatedly that it's taking too long and wonder why the pharmacist/technician doesn't just take the box off the shelf and slap a label on it. Surely yours is the only prescription that needs to be filled.


#3: Yes, and please get pissed at the techs when your stuff isn't ready. Because of course there is nobody on the planet who needs meds besides you.

#12: I always wanted to slap the shit out of these patients...

#21: I can't tell you how much I love getting the calls from the confused and often irritated pharmacy wondering why the hell we aren't paying for the patient's meds anymore. That's awesome.

#23: "All of them"? How about "fuck you!"?

#25: Yeah, I wanted to slap the shit out of these ones too. I especially loved the ones who would try to get me to just give them a refill because they "really need" their medication. Yes, I would love to lose my job, my license and possibly be fined and jailed FOR YOU. Now when I get calls from these people, I want to tell them that they should learn how to count so they know how many pills they have left, and to piss off. I call that 'Tuesday'.

1. I cannot do Sudoku to save my life. If the fate of the world depended on me finishing one of those, well, let’s just say that everyone can put their heads between their legs and kiss their asses goodbye. Almost every square has white out on it, several layers in fact. I had one almost finished, and I was so excited, until I had one number left and it didn’t fit. DAMN IT, THERE’S ALREADY AN EFFING 6 IN THIS ROW!!!! GAAH! The only way to unfuck that is to throw another layer of white out on each square and start from scratch. I’ll save that for a day when I’m really bored or for when I feel like straining my brain to the point of aneurysm.

2. People really are nicer when you’re nice to them. At least most of them are. So all that psychobabble bullshit I’ve been hearing for years has some truth to it. Who knew? Now the trick is remembering that on a day when I feel like making someone wear their ass for a hat.

3. Sausage McMuffin with egg and cheese for breakfast followed by leftover pizza for lunch? Bad idea. Pass the Tums please.

4. Accidentally inhaling a small portion of said McMuffin causes an hour of coughing.

5. I knew this already, but I reaffirmed that Old Navy is the devil. Most of their pants seem to have been designed around a box instead of an actual woman. I did find one pair of jeans that would pass the butt test, but guess what? In my size, they are about a mile too long. I’d have to wear 6-inch heels just to keep them off the ground. And anyone who knows me knows that I don’t do 6-inch heels. No way. I'd break an ankle.

6. If one kid gets a Clone Trooper, the other kid must have one or else they will beat the crap out of each other for it. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the Clone Trooper. It was received at school by Santa, so they have to share or they’re pretty much screwed.

That's all for this week's lessons.

I got the most recent Lillian Vernon catalog the other day, and the first section is all the Christmas crap. (Um, isn’t it only the beginning of OCTOBER?). So I was flipping through it at work, when I came across a few gems that are a bit disturbing and must be mentioned.

Let’s start with these beauties. “Santa’s pants treat holders”. That just sounds wrong on so many levels. And let’s take a look at these things. They are Santa’s pants, with suspenders and you use them to put candy and whatnot in them. IN Santa’s pants. And where is Santa while this is all going on? If his pants are here, filled with candy, does that mean there is a pantless Santa running around somewhere? And what is he doing while he's pantless? Do we really need to give our kids candy that comes from Santa’s pants? Isn’t it scary enough that legions of parents dress their children in their finest and schlep them to the malls of America each year to wait in super long lines for their turn to sit on some strange “Santa’s” lap? And then they do their best to get junior to stop screaming and smile at the camera in order to commemorate their time with the weirdo in costume, which is probably traumatic for a lot of kids as it is. Aren’t we giving mixed messages? We tell them, “Don’t talk to strangers!” and then we lead them to believe this person isn’t a stranger because he’s “Santa”. Oh good, so all someone has to do is dress like Santa and your kid will go anywhere with him because “he’s not a stranger”. Not to mention we tell our kids not to take candy from strangers, yet we take them trick or treating every year to get what? Candy from strangers. The irony is never lost on me come Halloween.

But I digress…

The second disturbing offering is this set of “Santa’s clothes magnets", which consists of 2 hats, 2 mittens, and 2 coats. Of course we know that the pants are already off somewhere else, filled with candy. So now pantless Santa has turned into naked Santa, which, again, is wrong on so many levels. What’s next, a Christmas special based on “Girls Gone Wild”, called “Santa Gone Wild”? Is he trying to break into show biz? Why can’t Santa remain dignified and wear clothing?

Finally, here is a product that just seems wrong to me. “Snowman bathroom set”. The toilet lid cover is the snowman’s head, and the contoured rug that goes in front of the toilet is the snowman’s body. So you lift up the head to go to the bathroom, and it almost looks like you’re taking a dump inside Frosty’s neck. Yeah, let Frosty know what you really think of him!

Obviously these items will not be gracing my home this holiday season.

I’ve always tried to avoid drinking coffee on a regular basis. I’ve never wanted to become one of those people who can’t function on even a cellular level until they’ve had coffee. “Instant human, just add coffee!” And considering I’m 30 I think I’ve done a really good job of this so far. Plus I’ve never really cared for coffee. Blasphemous, I know, but to drink it I’ve always needed to really be in the mood for it.

But after 2 years on my job, all but the first 3 months of which have been on this heinously early schedule, I’m starting to succumb to the sweet siren song of that we call coffee. For at least the last week solid I’ve been making my own mocha type drink before leaving for work: hot chocolate with instant espresso powder thrown in. Oh yeah, if I’m going to be a coffee addict, I’m going all the way! And the amount of espresso powder has slowly increased over the course of the week, to the point where my brain feels just a bit jittery.
I think my workplace has a way of turning people into coffee addicts. I’ve talked to coworkers who, like me, never drank much coffee before, but since they’ve been here, they’ve converted and become hooked. I do not think I am past the point of no return, yet. But when I skip a day and get a headache due to the lack of caffeine, only then will I know without a doubt that I am coffee’s bitch.

I'm feeling silly today...

You lay there acting innocent
But I know that you’re faking
Watching, waiting, plotting
My sanity for the taking
You act nice ‘til I get to work
And then you get all crazy
I could plead and fight with you
But, damn, I’m just too lazy
You frizz and poke me in the face
You stick out all over the place
I get so tired of battling you
You sure aren’t any fun
But as I sit here with a ponytail
Just know today I won!

Wow, I’m so lucky my head hasn’t rolled away, or been plucked right off by a hungry seagull, because clearly it’s not attached to my body this week. And it’s only Tuesday…

Let’s see, where shall I begin? I’ll go with the most notable oversights and mix ups of the last few days. Granted, they aren’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but they are enough to make me feel like I should be saying “Oh my gawd!” like a valley girl while twirling my hair and snapping my gum. Keep in mind these events are in addition to all the little tiny things I tend to space out on, like forgetting my book when I left for work, defrosting something for dinner, or calling off that hit on… well, you get the idea.

Every Tuesday Jacob gets an envelope with his homework for the week, and it’s due back on the following Monday. According to the teacher, this is so working parents have some extra time to make sure the homework gets done. We appreciate this greatly, as we are especially busy and spacy on weekday evenings. This week, however, we apparently started in on “lazy time” too early, and we forgot to have him complete his last math page and write his last sentences for the week. And this morning, TUESDAY morning, the day AFTER the homework is due, I discovered that it was still sitting on our kitchen counter. Of course our kitchen counter is an avalanche waiting to happen what with all the papers on it right now, so it is completely understandable that the homework got buried and forgotten about, as this is almost a daily occurrence. We are taking steps to remedy the situation, but that will take a lot of sorting and some time, and maybe a magic wand or a voodoo priest. A little tiny tornado would probably be the most effective remedy to clear the space and start from scratch. Wouldn’t that be handy? “Need to get organized, but don’t know where to start? Wish you could just start from scratch? Well now you can with Whirlwind Wow! It’s easy! Just set Whirlwind Wow on top of any unholy mess that’s taken on a life of its own and in minutes you’ll have a nice clear surface, ready to be organized! But wait! Act now and we’ll send you a second Whirlwind Wow ABSOLUTELY FREE!” But I digress…

Prior to the forgotten homework discovery, the morning started as usual. I smacked my snooze button umpteen times, dragged my sorry ass out of bed, snarling like a cat who was swung through the air by the tail… and I’m so tired and rummy that the visual created by that statement is making me giggle just a bit. Okay, a lot*. I think I need one of those "Clocky" alarm clocks that rolls off the nightstand after you hit the snooze, so after one chance you are then forced to get up and chase it around blindly in order to shut it up. The makers of that alarm clock are GENIUSES and I am most definitely in their target market. So what’s keeping me from buying it? Well, I don't particularly want to commit to chasing a clock every morning. Oh, and $50 for a newfangled alarm clock just isn't in the budget. Every day I summon immense willpower to get up, prop my eyelids up with toothpicks, and attempt to transform myself from a tired growly lump with a monosyllabic vocabulary to a somewhat coherent human, suitable to be allowed to mingle with the rest of society. So then I took my shower, started to do my thing in the usual order, washed my face, shaved my legs, all that good stuff. It was only when I was struggling more than usual to get a comb through my evil hair that I realized I forgot to wash it. I got it wet, then proceeded to skip from face washing to body washing, and completely disregarded the hair washing step that usually takes place in between. Okay, no big deal. It’s just going up in a ponytail anyway, right?

So I was messing around with Jacob’s homework stuff, and leaving a note on it for his teacher (“Sorry this was late, but Jacob’s mommy is a fuckwit this week”), then I almost walked out of the house without some of my stuff, including my lunch and my cell phone. I DID walk out without the book I wanted to bring. I then drove to the gas station to go into the AM/PM to get a cappuccino, where I attempted to bring my lunch bag inside instead of my purse. I don’t suppose they would accept a granny smith apple in exchange for a cuppa joe? Yeah, didn’t think so. So I got my cappuccino (extra caffeine anyone?) and went to pay. It was $1.49, and for some reason my brain thought I was going to get 49 cents back as change, so I offered to give the guy a penny so that I could just get 2 quarters back. D’oh! That doesn’t make any sense, now does it? Granted, I’m no Mensa candidate at 5 o’clock in the morning, but it’s bad when even the most basic math escapes me. The guy behind the counter just laughed at me. I took a verbal bow (I’ll be here all week) and got the hell out of there before causing myself further embarrassment.

On to the rest of my day, which actually hasn’t been as bad as I expected given this morning’s antics. I’ve forgotten to do a few basic things at work (I really hope that call does not get monitored…) but other than that :::knock on wood::: it’s been alright. But the day is still young. I have yet to discover everything I can forget today!



*No cats were harmed in the making of this blog.