Michelle's Madness

I’ve been doing my 90 mile round trip commute for over 2 years, so I can do it in my sleep (but don’t worry, I won’t try that) so I’m used to crazies and traffic and whatnot and I don’t tend to freak out. But this morning I had one of the weirdest commute experiences. I’m not going to say it was the most terrifying, but it was pretty scary.



So I’m driving along on 99, which is still only 2 lanes at this point, minding my own business in the left lane, when the pickup truck in front of me suddenly starts pumping his brakes and slowing waaaaaay down, like from 70ish to 50ish. There was nobody in front of him, and I wasn’t anywhere near tailgating, so I have no idea why he did that. He then puts on his blinker to change to the right lane, gets halfway there then swerves violently back into the left lane. Seconds later he puts his blinker on again then changes lanes all the way, stays in the right lane for about 30 seconds (during which time I’m hanging back thinking that this dude is a total lunatic) then swerves back into the left lane again. Lather, rinse and repeat this whole scenario. Twice.

By this time I’m thinking this dude is either drunk or I offended his delicate sensibilities somehow. Finally he ends up in the right lane and is driving cool and I pass him because though he’s driving okay at the moment, he’s now doing about 55 behind a semi. I was hesitant to pass but there was someone behind me and I sure as hell didn’t want to get back behind this freak. So I pass and all seems well for about 30 seconds when he again violently whips into the left lane and comes up behind me with his foot to the floor, flashing his lights. I move into the right lane in front of the semi and the weirdo passes me, then swerves in front of me. He does his swervy driving for a while, and just when I’ve got my Bluetooth on to call CHP and report his ass, he swerves onto an exit and disappears. No point in calling the cops at that point; what would I tell them? “Hey, some guy was driving erratically and he exited at this exit and turned right?” Yeah, they’ll put a priority on that call.

The moral of the story is: Just because it’s 4:30 in the morning, that doesn’t mean your commute will be psycho-free. Because clearly this guy was fucking crazy.

How in the world can people enjoy being spun? Seriously. My stupid medications (legal prescription ones, in case you are wondering) are making me feel all spun and woohoo and shit and it sucks. I feel all weird and restless and crawly. Blah! I can’t think straight and just existing is difficult. And I’m not freakin’ productive at all. So there’s no way I’m going to get a block of wood and whittle it down to a baseball bat or organize a collection of dust bunnies or try to build an ark out of Legos. And I won’t be deciding anytime soon that my washing machine looks better on the front lawn, or that my house should have cat ears on the roof.

1. Kids' toys that make noise yet have no off button, or even a volume button. Or the toys that have an off and a volume button, but the default volume when you turn it on is the loudest it can go. Mom smash.



2. When people say "ridonculous". Stop saying that. Seriously. You sound like a douche.

3. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. When the fuck are they going to die??? And what are these no talent media whores even famous for? I've never actually seen their show because my brain would melt from the stupidity, but they are in every damn magazine. They create opportunities for the paparazzi to "accidentally" find them and then totally ham it up for the cameras like it's a big surprise to see them. They probably have all the various paparazzo on speed dial. Plus, Spencer just looks pervy and creepy; just looking at him makes me want to go scrub with boiling water.



You may be wondering where her other horn is. Well, I'll tell you where it is. I'm imagining that it's now buried deep in his scalp because when he eagerly jumped to pose for yet another picture, he hit his head up against hers really hard without aiming properly. Ah, happy thoughts.

4. When spelling something, why in the world do people feel the need to say "H as in Harry (or Henry)"? What other fucking letter sounds like H, requiring them to clarify what letter they mean? Do they think I'm going to misunderstand and think they are spelling a word that has an 8 in the middle of it? Like "bone8ead" or "dips8it"? This also applies to the letters A, J, L, O, Q, R, U, W and X.

5. Jeans that come already "distressed" or ripped. And I can't believe people spend hundreds of dollars on them. I could spend 20 bucks on a pair of jeans and shred them myself and save tons of money. And my son shreds his without even trying! Why in the world would I buy him jeans that are already "distressed"? Those will rip in about 10 seconds flat. He needs strong jeans. Whoever designs these jeans for boys never had boys. And whoever designs them for women are just fucking morons.



Okay, show's over, move it along, nothing to see here. Until next time...

FUCK!

I HATE when I’m talking on the phone with someone and they are chewing their food or gum and smacking their lips. I don’t want to hear your lip smacking eating noises, you cud-chewing cow! At least close your mouth or take the phone away from your mouth until you’ve swallowed whatever it is you’re gnawing on.

Common courtesy, decency, and manners: completely out the window...

Whenever I think I’ve heard every kind of crazy there is, someone surprises me. You would think I wouldn’t be shocked anymore, but damn it if my jaw just doesn’t drop some days. Of course next month I’ll hear something that trumps this, but for now… well, all I can say is WOW. And when I say 'WOW' what I mean is that I am weeping for our childrens' future. Because the idiots are only multiplying.

So here I am at work, minding my own business, answering calls as they come in, and just doing my best to deal with the crazies. (I swear I’m in the crazy queue today, because I’m getting more yahoos than usual). I get this call from a pharmacy wanting help with processing a claim for one of our members. Okay, nothing unusual about that. So apparently this member has another insurance as his primary, at least according to Medicare. The guy from the pharmacy says the member no longer has the other insurance. I told him that we would need documentation faxed to us that shows the other coverage is terminated. He asked who we needed it from, and if he could just write something on a piece of paper and fax it. Um, noooooo…. That is not considered proof: "evidence sufficient to establish a thing as true, or to produce belief in its truth". If I could simply write something on a piece of paper and that made it true, I would be the Queen of the World with unlimited funds. Because of course, I could just write my “bank balance” on a piece of paper and that would make it so. I’m sure the bank teller would just hand me the key to the vault and tell me to help myself. That would be sweet…

But that isn’t even the crazy part. I told him that we need something like a letter from Medicare or the other insurance company showing that the coverage is no longer active. Then he said…

Are you ready?

I’m not making this up.

Seriously, this is verbatim.

“You need to lower your expectations of this patient because he doesn’t speak English!”

I'm sorry mister, I must have hallucinated because you couldn't have possibly said what I think you did.

Oh shit, he did say that.

I’ll repeat that in case your head just exploded due to the sheer stupidity of the statement: “You need to lower your expectations of this patient because he doesn’t speak English!”

Oh, how Carlos Mencia would love to see his point proven once again. People can’t keep up so we lower the standards.

To top this off, the member’s son, WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH, was standing right there at the pharmacy. The caller from the pharmacy (I’m sorry, but I refuse to call him a technician or a pharmacist; I just can’t give him that kind of credit) told him what we needed, and I heard him say it in English. Okay, so if we have to lower the expectations for his dad because he can’t speak English, what’s this guy’s excuse? Do we lower the standards for him because he’s a fucktard? And why do I have to lower my expectations because he’s a flaming imbecile? If he can't handle something as simple as "get a letter from the company that says the coverage has ended", then maybe he shouldn’t be taking care of his father’s affairs. Or wandering the streets unattended. Or be allowed to continue the bloodline.

Of course, it’s not his fault he’s stupid. Society hasn’t pushed him to excel, and why should he try to excel on his own when society will coddle him and lower the standards even more to meet his less-than-mediocre intelligence? We wouldn't want his self-esteem to suffer, right? We don't want to be mean by actually expecting people to think and shit.

Now everybody sing along with the "Dee Dee Dee Song", while I bang my head on my desk for a while...

...This lady. How is it that the people at the bar let her stay there for hours? Did they not see the baby? Wasn't there a little bit wrong with that picture? Or has the economy made business owners so desperate for revenue that they'll turn a blind eye to something that's obviously fucked up in order to make some cash? What kind of fucktard keeps serving drinks to a lady holding a three week old baby? She better not get that kid back

The Runner Up: First of all, why in the hell would you be sleeping while letting your SIX YEAR OLD get himself off to school? I cannot even fathom this. It's all fine and dandy that he takes the bus, but don't you think you should get up with him and, oh, say, feed him and make sure he's ready to go and gets on the bus safely? Hmmmm? Did that idea ever cross your mind? Secondly, MY six year old wouldn't even dream of doing this. Seriously, what the hell are you teaching your kid if he thinks it's okay to try to drive himself to school? Or how petrified must he be of you that he takes your car instead of waking you up to tell you he missed the bus? Or maybe he did try and couldn't wake you from you drunken stupor after a night of bar hopping and slutting it up with your girlfriends.

Honorable Mention: Okay, so the parents weren't present, but obviously the FOUR YEAR OLD knew where the pellet gun was and how to use it. I was wondering, "How in the hell did this four year old come up with the idea that he could just shoot someone for making him mad, let alone know how to use the gun?" Then I saw the mobile home part and that answered that. This is probably also a kid whose favorite shows are WWE Raw, Jerry Springer, and Rock of Love, and I bet his dad gets all his advice on relationships (and life in general) from Manswers.

Way to go everyone! You are contributing to the dumbing down of America and pushing us that much closer to Idiocracy. But don't worry; soon enough your kids will be put in the custody of Carl's Jr. and you'll have all the time in the world to sit on a barstool, sleep, or watch The Girls Next Door. Meanwhile, I'll be enjoying the intelligent shows (while they last) and teaching my kids those pesky things like right from wrong, manners, and why it's important to finish high school and go to college. Cheers!

1. “Brangelina”. Booooring. Who really gives a crap what they are doing? And I don’t get this obsession with combining celebrity names: Bennifer, TomKat. Who cares enough about these people to sit around and make up cutsie names for them?

2. “Reality” TV. How in the hell is this crap considered reality? A bunch of narcissistic losers are crammed together in a big house and they have to lie, cheat, and manipulate everyone in order to avoid being voted out of the house (or off the island). Where’s the reality? That’s not like real life. Well, I suppose the lying, cheating, and manipulating are… And these shows are being cranked out faster than a baby boy can whiz on you when his diaper is removed. I think the executives sit in the conference room and play Mad Libs in order to find a topic for the next time waster. Maybe one day we will see: “Super Maid”; “When People Poke Bears”; “Project Hooker”; “Waxing Gone Wrong”; or “Extreme Horse Makeover”. Now, if every now and then they spiced things up by tossing a badger into someone’s tent while they were asleep, I might consider watching.

3. Skinny jeans. Just wrong.

4. Jon and Kate Plus 8. I know many people adore this show (which I will say is slightly more realistic than most reality TV... slightly) but I really can’t figure out why. Kate yells a lot and treats Jon like he’s her 9th child, and all he does is make some passive aggressive comment. It’s painful to watch as they try desperately to control their thinly veiled hatred of one another. Yes, I know they just renewed their vows. They must keep up the charade because the cash cow would stop shitting wads of money if they ever broke up.

5. Why some women wear tight and/or low cut pants despite the chub they have around their waists. Hello, muffin top. Buy a mirror girls, or appropriate clothing in the next size up, because that’s not attractive. And no, your confident attitude will not compensate and make you seem sexy despite you pouring out of the top of your pants, I don’t care what Cosmo says.

That's all for this edition of Things I Don't Get. Stay tuned for more!

I got the most recent Lillian Vernon catalog the other day, and the first section is all the Christmas crap. (Um, isn’t it only the beginning of OCTOBER?). So I was flipping through it at work, when I came across a few gems that are a bit disturbing and must be mentioned.

Let’s start with these beauties. “Santa’s pants treat holders”. That just sounds wrong on so many levels. And let’s take a look at these things. They are Santa’s pants, with suspenders and you use them to put candy and whatnot in them. IN Santa’s pants. And where is Santa while this is all going on? If his pants are here, filled with candy, does that mean there is a pantless Santa running around somewhere? And what is he doing while he's pantless? Do we really need to give our kids candy that comes from Santa’s pants? Isn’t it scary enough that legions of parents dress their children in their finest and schlep them to the malls of America each year to wait in super long lines for their turn to sit on some strange “Santa’s” lap? And then they do their best to get junior to stop screaming and smile at the camera in order to commemorate their time with the weirdo in costume, which is probably traumatic for a lot of kids as it is. Aren’t we giving mixed messages? We tell them, “Don’t talk to strangers!” and then we lead them to believe this person isn’t a stranger because he’s “Santa”. Oh good, so all someone has to do is dress like Santa and your kid will go anywhere with him because “he’s not a stranger”. Not to mention we tell our kids not to take candy from strangers, yet we take them trick or treating every year to get what? Candy from strangers. The irony is never lost on me come Halloween.

But I digress…

The second disturbing offering is this set of “Santa’s clothes magnets", which consists of 2 hats, 2 mittens, and 2 coats. Of course we know that the pants are already off somewhere else, filled with candy. So now pantless Santa has turned into naked Santa, which, again, is wrong on so many levels. What’s next, a Christmas special based on “Girls Gone Wild”, called “Santa Gone Wild”? Is he trying to break into show biz? Why can’t Santa remain dignified and wear clothing?

Finally, here is a product that just seems wrong to me. “Snowman bathroom set”. The toilet lid cover is the snowman’s head, and the contoured rug that goes in front of the toilet is the snowman’s body. So you lift up the head to go to the bathroom, and it almost looks like you’re taking a dump inside Frosty’s neck. Yeah, let Frosty know what you really think of him!

Obviously these items will not be gracing my home this holiday season.

I had the opportunity to watch this show briefly several nights ago (for about 5 minutes) and I have to say that it is hilarious. Not the show itself, but simply the fact that it exists. I probably would have watched for longer, because everyone loves a good train wreck, but Brian changed the channel. On retrospect, that was probably for the better. I can’t afford to sacrifice brain cells.

For anyone who has not seen this show, let me explain. This is a show where 2 teams with goofy names like “The Six Packs” and “The Beer Bellies” are dressed in these strange silver full body leotard type outfits (excellent visual with the beer bellies) and helmets, and they look kind of like they are wrapped in tin foil like a baked potato. So then this wall appears with a human shaped hole cut into it, usually in some strange contorted position. The person who is up (or people in some cases) stands on a mat which basically drops off like a cliff at the end into a pool of water that is nuclear-waste-green, and the wall moves toward the person and the person has to contort themselves into whatever weird lotus-downward-dog-I'm-a-little-teapot position the hole is cut into and the objective is for them to pass through the hole as the wall moves past them, without getting knocked into the toxic spill beneath the cliff.

The funniest part? From what I watched, the leg holes are often much much shorter than the contestants' actual legs. They must have used 10 year old kids as models for the holes. So it looks like the contestant is going to fit through the hole, but no, his leg is too long and he gets bonked on the foot and into the ooze for him.

WOW. I really wish I could have been around for the brainstorming session on that one. They aren't even trying to come up with semi-intelligent game shows anymore.

• Those fake testicles people hang from their truck bumpers. Seriously? It's not enough that you're basically driving a giant penis, but you need to actually hang balls from the back of it? I'm sure those guys don't have a sense of humor that extends beyond fart jokes.

• Dogs that fit in purses. That’s not a dog, that’s chew toy for my cat.

• Va-jay-jay. WTF? That just sounds childish. I, as a self respecting GROWN UP, refuse to use such cutesy euphemisms.

• (Speaking of stuff on people's cars): Those cute little stick people families I see stuck on the back windows of many family-mobiles. They are very cute. They also make me think of the pedophiles who may be using that as a personal “menu”. “Oooh, this family has 3 girls, what a nice selection. I think I’ll follow them home!” Uh, yeah, so not safe.

• Robot Chicken. Why does this show even exist? Who's the genius who greenlighted this piece of crap?

I am really trying to understand why, everywhere I go, there are people walking around in their pajamas and slippers, usually fuzzy. In public. When I go to the grocery store, I inevitably see at least 3 people in their pajamas and/or slippers (sometimes they wear flip flops with their pj bottoms). I went to the pharmacy today... the guy in front of me had pj bottoms. I went to my mechanic on Thursday... some dude walked in wearing his slippers. The last two times I took my kids to the park, there was a dad (two different parks, two different dads) pushing his kid in the swing. They each were dressed casually in a tshirt and shorts... and slippers. At the park. What the hell is wrong with people? I've accidentally walked out the door only to realize I still had my slippers on. But this is no accident. No way.

Did Britney or some other drunk/drugged/effed up celebrity popularize this slob trend? Maybe I just missed the latest trend from the runway. It wouldn't be the first time. I never saw the appeal of having one's thong hanging out of the back of one's jeans, and I can't figure out why some yahoo decided bubble skirts were a fashion worth reviving. But this one, this sloppy, lazy trend of people wearing their schlub clothes out in public... I truly don't get this one. And unlike the thongs and the bubble skirts, this trend knows no gender, no age. I see 18 year old girls and 60 year old men and everyone in between who look like they rolled out of bed and drove straight to the store.

Do these people have no pride? Have they completely given up on presenting themselves to the world as someone who gives even the tiniest crap about their appearance? Is this how these people say "I don't give a fuck about anybody or what they think of me?" Or is this some lame way to assert independence, like "I do what I want and nobody can stop me. Not even common sense and common decency"? Hell, the only time I leave the house wearing my slippers, or even my Crocs, is to walk to the mail box.

The scarier explanation is the simple dumbing down of the species. As the movie "Idiocracy" demonstrates, our world is on a fast downhill slide intellectually. Pretty soon we will be like cavemen again, only this time we have colorful clothes, fake hooters, and expensive high tech crap. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend you watch it. It will help you prepare for our seemingly inevitable future. Plus it's pretty damn funny, at least when you aren't watching and thinking "Holy shit, this is starting to happen!" But who knows how many people will actually be thrilled to have the masturbation network and for the #1 tv show to be "Ow, my balls!" Pretty soon us smart people are going to be the minority and we'll be at the mercy of the fucktards.

Now how scary is that???