Michelle's Madness

I'm at work on this lovely Sunday, just killing time until I get to go home. Stupid me volunteered to work overtime, and now I'm stuck working 6 days in a row. So I get it in my head that I want McDonald's for lunch, dammit, since it's easy and close, and what I really wanted was a sausage mcmuffin with egg. I was totally jonesing for one, along with a caramel iced coffee. So I went to McD's on my first break, since by my lunchtime they wouldn't be serving breakfast anymore. Oh my god it tasted so good! The mcmuffin was divine and the iced coffee was just what I needed to help perk me up. Well, after eating healthier for weeks, my body simply isn't used to eating such grease-laden treats. Now my head is spinning and I feel kind of nauseous. So fuck you McDonalds, for tasting so yummy but then wreaking havoc on my poor body. Now I remember why I avoid fast food in the first place.

I’m sitting at work and just thinking up haiku as a way to keep myself somewhat sane. Enjoy!

Today is Friday
Yay, pizza and movie night!
I love being home

I need more coffee
Fuzzy thoughts and can’t think straight
and cranky as hell

Silly girls babble
Blah Blah Blah, shut the fuck up
Really annoying

I crave Chinese food
It’s been calling out to me
More potstickers please!

Drugs, so many drugs
Can’t imagine swallowing
all those freakin’ pills!

Damn work is cutting
into my sudoku time
Stop calling me, jerks!

Yes, I finally
figured out sudoku. Yeah!
No more confusion

Bitchy people call
So mad! Not my fault that you
faxed to wrong number

I've never bothered to make New Year's resolutions, mostly because I'm too lazy to bother or I simply forget. Or maybe it's because I know I won't keep them. In any case, this year is no different. No official resolutions, so I won't feel guilty about breaking them. However I do have a goal this year: lose 25-30 pounds. I'm dying to wear my red dress again, and I'd like to be able to wear it for my 10th anniversary in October.



I've already been making changes to what we eat (Brian is joining me in this craziness adventure) and already I'm seeing results. I started preparing to do this on December 30, and the changes have been in effect for 3 days, since January 2. Actually I started working on it on December 31, but frankly, after a handful of chocolate chip cookies and 3 huge rum and cokes, I gave up trying. Actually, I gave up giving a shit altogether.



On January 1, I didn't even try. We went to my aunt's house for the day and she had this dip from Trader Joe's that was to die for. Well, maybe I wouldn't die for it, but I'd definitely body check somebody to get the last one in the refrigerator case. It was the Sun Dried Tomato and Pesto Torta. The bottom layer is pesto cream cheese, then a layer of cream cheese, all topped off with a ton of sun dried tomatoes. If you haven't experienced this culinary delight, I suggest you get your ass in your car right now and break all traffic laws to get to your nearest TJ's. Cut off little old ladies meandering down the road at 10 miles under the speed limit in their full size Buicks (what is up with that shit anyway? As their driving skills decline, they get bigger, harder to maneuver cars. There should be a law against that), flip off any cop that dares to stand in your way, and mow down pedestrians if necessary (1,000 points if they try to run and you still nail them). Seriously, drop what you're doing and go. I'll wait. Don't forget to get crackers to eat it with. We had Wheat Thins, and that was yummy.


Hemline in the back

Basically, between the dip, the fudge I brought, and the enchiladas for dinner, I didn't even try. And I have no apologies for that. However I have been sticking to my plan since January 2 and it's been much easier than I expected. Last year I tried Weight Watchers for all of 2 weeks and I nearly went insane. My points range is the lowest they have, 18-23 points, and it was maddening for me to attempt compliance. I was starving! And all I wanted was a goddamn snickerdoodle. Twelve snickerdoodles, actually. So that didn't take.



So I've printed some of my most unflattering pictures for motivation, along with pictures of my dress, and I started my workouts this morning. I'm not following the Points system, but I'm using as a guideline to judge the worthiness of foods when I can. Worthiness as in "Is it worth it to put that in my mouth?" Also, I am a member of the website SparkPeople and it's very helpful. I've been pretty good at entering what I eat into the nutrition tracker, and entering my workouts in the fitness tracker. So far, I have lost 3 pounds. WOOHOO! I know the weight is going to come off the fastest at first, and I certainly don't expect to lose weight that quickly all the time, but I was very excited to see that when I stepped on the scale this morning. I was expecting maybe a pound. Now that's what I call motivation!

So up yours, New Years resolutions. I just want to get my body back! Look out world!

It's certainly been a crazy month. The first week was spent preparing for Logan's 4th birthday party, which was on the 7th, which is the day before his birthday. Once the party was over I felt about a gazillion times better, and I could focus on preparing for Christmas and for our trip to the snow right before New Years. Or at least I could focus on sharpening my procrastination skills by avoiding preparing for, well, anything.



But then the Christmas shopping had to be done, which always sucks in December. Usually I try to do most of it in October and November, but really, I just didn't give a crap this year. Grinchy, I know, but tough shit, it still got done. The weekend after Logan's birthday party, the boys spent the weekend at Camp Gramma's, and Brian and I took that opportunity to do most of the shopping for the boys, as well as put up the tree, wrap their presents, and make a crapload of yummy, death-by-chocolate fudge to share with our co-workers and the boys' daycare center staff, who apparently devoured it all that day, much like years past. Oh, the sugar high! The indigestion! The Maalox chaser!



And speaking of Grinchy:





So now Christmas Eve is finally upon us. The boys and I baked cookies for Santa today, chocolate chip M&M and chocolate chip with toffee chips. I just know my husband Santa will love them. Tonight my dad will be here to spend the night, and in the morning, the present opening melee will begin, (not so) bright and early I'm sure.

I finally got around to elfing the boys. Actually, I've tried many times over the course of the month, but whenever I finished editing Jacob's picture and tried to save it, I would get an error message, something along the line of the server sucking ass and "fuck you, try again another time, sucka!". The boys think it's hilarious, though not quite as charming as last year, when they asked me to repeat it over and over and over and... well, you get the idea.

Besides the gift shopping adventures (um, hello, bitches in Target, when you are walking directly at me, why don't you at least pretend someone else exists on the planet and move a little, mkay?), we kicked off our holiday celebrations with Jacob's holiday show at school. All the first grade classes did a nice little program with songs and little skits. Jacob's class did the ABC's in portions throughout the show. Jacob and two of his classmates had the letter G and their line was, "G is for the goose, which you all know is fat." When I asked him to say his line for me the day before the show, he got all exasperated and said he was tired of practicing it. He sounded just like a teenager. Yeah, I can't wait for that shit on a daily basis.



He was super excited to have us both there, and he was actually singing and participating for most of the show, though he wasn't doing the arm motions along with the rest of the kids. He got bored toward the end, with about 2 or 3 songs left to go, and he stopped singing altogether. But all in all it was a huge success, considering past performances. Case in point, Pre-K graduation:



We were the only parents there whose child flat out refused to participate, choosing instead to sit in a chair behind the rest of his classmates, looking grouchy. Oh yeah, it was a very proud moment indeed. I felt like yanking him out of that chair and selling him to the gypsies. Or leaving him there, going home, moving, changing our name, and letting wild dogs raise him. But alas, we didn't, and we were richly rewarded more than 18 months later with almost full, though not always enthusiastic, participation in the holiday show. Score!

Then came the Hanukkah celebration at my mother in law's house on the first day of Hanukkah. It was a fun filled day of latkes and presents for the kids. Brian and I cooked all the latkes. I smelled like latkes for 2 days. Seriously. It was making me freakin' hungry!


Some rum and coke to enjoy while cooking. Hey, it was almost noon!










Utter freakin' deliciousness

The family descended upon the 3 big batches of latkes and sucked them all down, without too much grunting and belching. All of the kids (ours and their cousins) were less impressed by them, which leads me to wonder who the hell do all these kids belong to? But that just meant more for the grown ups. Yay!

Present opening time was less joyful, as Jacob was not pleased with what he received. Actually he was downright pissed off that he didn't receive the Star Wars Clone Trooper Voice Changing Helmet and the Star Wars Clone Trooper Blaster. (Shhhh, don't tell him, but Santa got it for him. And he may actually get it if he's not a total little shit again. He'll be fucking stoked!)

Logan did an excellent job of lighting the menorah, and I'm thinking next year we should start doing that here at home, so they will become more familiar with the traditions their dad was raised with.



And now we are barbecuing a tri-tip and I'm making (more!) latkes for Christmas Eve dinner. A little schizophrenic, I know, but I don't give a shit. It's my Christmas Eve and I want latkes! It's good to be the grown up sometimes!

Merry Christmas all. I hope you all enjoy your time with your family and that your loot doesn't suck!

Scrabble Tile Pendants from Etsy. I bought some as a Christmas gift, and one for myself, and I can’t wait until I can stop buying gifts so I can get some more for me! I purchased them from HomeStudio on Etsy and I am quite pleased. First of all, the selection of designs is awesome. I couldn’t decide what to get! (I got this and this for my friend, and this for me, for now). Secondly, I made the purchase on Friday and chose priority shipping and I was thrilled to find my package in the mailbox on Tuesday. These pendants are so cool and inexpensive that I can pick a design for every day to match my mood!

The song “Lost” by Coldplay. There’s just something about this song; I love it!

Super Pretzels. I’ve always liked big, warm, soft pretzels, and I love that I can get them in the freezer section. They bake in about 5 minutes and comes with pretzel salt, which is the best part! Sure, they’re not as good as a fresh pretzel would be, but they are still quite yummy when the munchies hit.

“Found” money, aka leftover gift cards. I had $26 and change left on an Old Navy gift card and since I can’t seem to find a thing for myself (see last week’s post) I decided to get Jacob some jeans, since he needs more. He keeps either shredding the knees of his pants, or he simply grows out of them. We keep telling him to stop growing already because we keep having to buy him new clothes and shoes, but he refuses to listen. Anyway, the boys’ jeans are currently 2 for $28 in the store, and normally I don’t buy their clothes at Old Navy, but since I had the gift card, I went ahead and got him 2 pairs (and luckily I got the size right so I don’t have to go back!) and I ended up only paying something like $3.23 out of pocket. Woohoo!

The Mentalist. I keep waiting for the next episode to be Tivo'd. If you haven't seen this show yet, stop what you're doing on Tuesdays at 9:00 PM and watch it (or stop right now and add it to your Tivo to-do list).

I can’t believe it’s November 20 already. Where in the world has the time gone? Halloween seems like it was just yesterday, yet at the same time it feels like it was so long ago. In October we get geared up all month long for Halloween, with the decorating and getting costumes for the kids, buying candy, trips to the pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving. Then November 1 comes and Halloween is quickly put out of mind, for the most part. Of course there is still a mountain of candy to pilfer from the kids as a reminder of the Halloween festivities. But Thanksgiving preparations quickly ensue, and with that comes a little nagging voice in the back of my brain reminding me that Christmas is rapidly approaching as well and it’s time to start some shopping. I am simultaneously planning to have turkey day for 12 at my house, and planning Logan’s birthday party, because his party will be on December 7 and I needed to make sure to get the invitations out early because December is so busy for everyone. Not to mention I need to begin the aforementioned Christmas shopping.

Naturally, there are many things I need to get done in the next week:

1. Clean my freakin’ house. Especially the abysmal expanse of counter top and my desk, both of which are covered in papers and junk. I keep waiting for a black hole to open up on my counter and just suck the entire contents of my house into it. Reminds me of Poltergeist, though I’m pretty sure our house isn’t built on ancient Indian burial ground. I hope.

2. Finish my grocery list and make sure I have everything I need. You know, just enough wine to keep the guests relaxed and happy, but not so much that anyone gets rowdy.

3. Next week I have to make several pies. I was only going to make 2 pies when there was only supposed to be 7 people, but the addition of 5 more guests makes me wonder if that will be enough. The guest list includes 4 teenage boys. FOUR. So there needs to be plenty o’ food to keep them from rioting. And I’m thinking that will have to include 3 pies. I don’t want people stabbing each other with forks over the last piece of pie.

4. Pick up my big ass bird (20 pounds) on Wednesday, because I simply do not have space in my fridge to defrost that sucker for a week.

5. I should probably dust off the china that’s been sitting undisturbed since last Thanksgiving. But if I don’t get around to that, everyone can just eat my dust. HA! Get it?

Now that doesn’t seem like a huge list of things to do, but you haven’t seen my counter and my desk. Scary. Now here is what I have been doing to procrastinate:

1. Surfing the web. There is certainly no shortage of sites to aid me in pissing away my time. Damn you Facebook! It’s not like I need more flair; I have a ton. But it’s just so. damn. addictive.

2. Downloading music. There are tons of songs I would love to download, so I spend my time either actually downloading them or trying to remember what songs I want. Either way, great time waster. And I’ve certainly enjoyed my new tunes on my daily commute.

3. Updating my Amazon wish list, and the one for the boys. I love Amazon! It’s like window shopping without having to go to the mall and fight my way through the masses of self-centered asshole teenagers*. By the time I leave, I feel like a salmon that’s fought it’s way upstream to spawn. Without the actual spawning part. Which is why I haven’t been to the mall in years. Seriously. It’s much more enjoyable to shop in my jammas!

4. Uploading pictures to Flickr to share with family and friends (are you seeing a theme here?)

5. Reading. Book, magazine, whatever. Just as long as I don’t have to think too hard, or do anything.

6. Watching the crap we’ve Tivo’d. I’m quite disappointed about the latest twist on Ghost Whisperer. Yes, I watch that show. It’s goofy but fun. And Brian and I have created a drinking game based on that show. It’s called “Glugs for Jugs”. If we were actually playing, we would have a shot every time there was an obligatory mega-cleavage shot of Jennifer Love Hewitt, which, if you’ve seen the show, you know are quite frequent and gratuitous. With some episodes, we’d be smashed before the opening credits, so we just say “glug glug” instead of actually drinking. But I digress. Or maybe procrastinate…

7. Making to-do lists. I have bunches of them. I even cross things off of them occasionally. Though I don’t think I’ve completed an entire list in quite some time. But basically it’s a list of things that, after procrastinating for days, I have to prioritize last minute and scramble about to get each chore done in time for whatever deadline has been imposed on said chore. Nothing like the final countdown to a big event to get me moving. Working under pressure. Because I won’t totally screw something up or do something half-assed that way, right? Sure.

Now, to just get through the holidays with my sanity and my bank account intact. Won’t that be a mighty feat? I think I’d better stock up on caffeine. And rum. Look out holidays, here I come!




*I would like to note that I am not saying all teenagers are self-centered assholes. But the self-centered asshole teenagers seem to congregate at the mall and act like they own the place. No nastygrams please. Of course if that offends you, my blog might be a bit much for you to handle. Call that good advice or a fair warning.